12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees