Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): A nine-year-old told me it was good. I have certain expectations because of this.

Their synopsis: “When a mass of Sharknadoes threatens America’s East Coast…Fin must again risk his life to save his children on spring break…”

My synopsis: The somehow-not-quite-depleted population of sharks on Earth gets, once again, trapped within various natural disasters that threaten America’s Atlantic coast.

Quick review: Entertaining scenes do not an entertaining movie make.

Pros: Some lucky shark literally ate Maria Menounos’s pussy.

Cons: The whole ‘shark on the roller coaster’ bit was moronic, and Fin’s astronaut song is the gayest song ever recorded.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky celebrity cameos! So many… wacky… celebrity… cameos… Ugh.

Least favorite quote: “They’re made for each other.” They’re most certainly not, Claudia! He’s black and she’s white, for crying out loud!!

Say a nice thing: God, I’ve missed you, Nova.

Say a mean thing: Tara Reid’s mom is a cunt. Her character’s mother, that is. Not her real mom for keeping her. Well…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A delicious teenage girl forgetting she has a cell phone.

Most relatable current event: The first of many eye-rollingly blatant product placements is Subway. Subway’s preeminent spokesperson for the last 15 years was recently outed as a pedophile.

Final review: Since Sharknado 4 is already a go, I’d like to make some suggestions to Thunder Levin, who is unclear on the concept of “oversaturation.” Lose. The. Celebrity. Cameos. David Hasselhoff (who was actually good) as Fin’s astronaut dad only works if there aren’t four thousand other celebrities preceding him. Also, write an actual movie, not just a collection of scenes. I know a cogent narrative isn’t exactly what this film’s about, but still… Kudos on the ending, though. The final ten minutes is, amazingly, more ridiculous than Sharknado 2’s finale. I was not sure that could be done. Impressively ludicrous.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Shark Week

Title: Shark Week

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Liz Adams, H. Perry Horton

Starring: Erin Coker, Gay David Arquette, a bunch of other losers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of complete strangers find themselves isolated by a wealthy madman on his island compound. They are forced into a horrifying gauntlet where they must survive a barrage of ever deadlier species of shark.”

My synopsis: Various white people from California are kidnapped by an ugly couple with a shark fetish. Some of them are then eaten in a swimming pool.

Quick review: No. Just no. This is fucking terrible.

Pros: I feel better about myself as a person given that I wasn’t involved in the production of this film.

Cons: Everything. And why the fuck was that guy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses?

MFK: Marry Francine. Fuck Reagan. Kill Layla.

Biggest movie cliché: Yancy Butler’s character, for no reason whatsoever, said, “Well, you know what they say. ‘You mess with the bull, you get the horns.’”

Say a nice thing that’s not actually nice at all: I once implied that due to Erin Coker’s odd face, if I were to have sex with her, I would put a bag over her head. I’ve since changed my mind. I think she’s ugly cute.

Say a mean thing: “…it would be a lot more easier…” Is that what it would be, you moron? You look great in the yoga pants, Yancy, but I would still like to disembowel you with that harpoon.

Least favorite quote: “Oh my god, the key unlocks our handcuffs.” Really, dickface? You didn’t think of trying that until just now?

Another least favorite quote: “Maybe we could tie the shark tooth to the stick. Make a spear.” Are you fucking retarded? Because seriously, that’s a retarded suggestion.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So many things took me out of this movie. It’s so goddamn awful.

Final review: To be honest, I liked the synopsis when I read it. I was hoping for Battle Royale, plus sharks. That’s not what this is. Shark Week is an unbelievably bad film. Poorly executed to an embarrassing level. Shockingly bad. Irredeemable. Dreadful. Insufferable. Other words such as these. I hate this movie so much.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Ghost Shark

Title: Ghost Shark

Director: Griff Furst

Writer: Eric Forsberg, Griff Furst, Paul A. Birkett

Starring: Mackenzie Rosman, Sloane Coe, Dave Davis (terrible fucking name)

Year released: 2013

Their synopsis: “It’s a shark that’s a ghost. Need anything else?”

My synopsis: There’s a shark, which is also a ghost. You’d think you wouldn’t need anything else, but you’d be wrong.

Quick review: Eighty-seven minutes of Jaws-stealing, shoehorned nonsense. This is a movie that did not need to be made.

Pros: Gorgeous sisters, an old, creepy drunk guy, and not canceling a party after your friends die in an effort to get laid.

Cons: The acting and green-screening, along with the entire premise of the film.

Biggest movie cliché: Town elders keeping secret a mysterious and deadly past.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There was a black guy swimming.

Say a nice thing: The smoking hot little sister loves to commit petty crimes. What a winner!

Say a mean thing: Why is there big fat repulsive slob in the movie? With his shirt off, no less. Fucking gross.

Most relatable current event: This Chimaera.

Final review: Again, if all you want to do is have a luminescent ghost shark eat people in odd/semi-amusing ways, don’t be so goddamn serious. There’s crises of conscience, a guy struggling with the murder of his wife, emotional pleas, etc. Why?! What could any of this possibly add to the basis of the film, which, I reiterate, is that a fucking blue ghost shark eats people in crazy ways! You’re an asshole, Griff Furst. Make me laugh with this horseshit!

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharknado 2: The Second One

Title: Sharknado 2: The Second One

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Tara Reid

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): “When the sequel comes out later this year, I look forward to seeing if anyone gives two fucks.” I wrote that referring to Sharknado 2, in my review of the first Sharknado, and it seems that people indeed gave some fucks. (Albeit temporarily. Again.) Based on what I’ve heard and read, I can’t decide whether Sharknado 2: The Second One will be genuinely awesome, or meta-joke hell.

Their synopsis: “It came, it saw, it tore s#@t up!”

My synopsis: Multiple sharknados converge upon a Seinfeldian Manhattan (meaning there are too many white people) threatening to destroy the metropolis.

Quick review: Not even one iota of a good goddamn was given in the creation and production of this movie, and I generally mean that in a good way.

Pros: Tara Reid’s saw hand. Other things as amusingly silly.

Cons: The Sharknado song stinks. Product placement out the asshole.

Best cameo: Robert Kline, the mayor, was talking to Kurt Angle, the…fireman? Cop? Also, Robert Hays from Airplane! was the pilot in the (surprisingly not terrible) opening sequence.

Worst cameo: Downtown Julie Brown looks like a Pachycephalosaurus wearing a wig.

Say a sassy thing: The sharks aren’t the only ones flaming in New York, girl! *Finger snap!*

Say a mean thing: I wish every dumb cunt that rode their bike on the sidewalk in NYC got squashed by a whale shark.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How does a jew write about New York City so poorly?

Final review: Going in, I thought Sharknado 2 was going to be terrible or great. I’m somewhat disappointed that it’s neither of those, but it was indeed good. Nonsensical, self-aware, wacky, and good. There was some relative star power for an Asylum movie, and most of the celebrity cameos were well done. The ending is literally too stupid to be described, so I won’t even try. It must be seen to be…believed, I guess.

I read that at nearly four million viewers, this movie broke a few Syfy ratings records, which can only mean one thing… Get ready for Sharknado 3.

Ranking:

3 bees

Sharktopus

Title: Sharktopus

Director: Declan O’Brien

Writer: Mike MacLean

Starring: Eric Roberts, Sara Malakul Lane, Kerem Bursin

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A half-shark, half-octopus creature creates terror in Mexico.”

My synopsis: The government engineered a half-shark, half-octopus monster to “go where the Navy can’t…to sneak into hostile waters [and] hunt down drug runners and pirate vessels.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, things go wrong, and it starts murdering everybody.

Quick review: Seth Rogen (and Evan Goldberg) wrote the first draft of Superbad when he was 13-years-old. Any other 13-year-old boy would write this movie. And probably did.

Pros: Where are these beaches in Mexico? There wasn’t one unattractive woman there, and they were doing yoga and rubbing lotion on each other. Would I even be allowed in?

Cons: With the exception of Eric Roberts, this film features arguably the worst collection of actors ever put together on screen.

Least favorite quote: “They’re just boobs. They’re not gonna get up and dance or anything.” That’s not why he’s looking at your tits, you unfunny whore.

Most relatable current event: The Muslim savages in Nigeria who kidnapped those girls. This movie is just as tragic.

Say a nice thing: No.

Say a mean thing: Mike MacLean can take his failed meta-jokes and hang his children with them.

Biggest fall from grace: Eric Roberts.

Final review: I did some research on this film, and found out that after paying Eric Roberts’ fee, the filmmakers had approximately $3.72 left in their budget. They gave all the acting roles to their cousins and in-laws, then stole some boats and cameras and fled to Mexico. For the special effects, they blew a guy at Dilated Pixels. Reggie. The writer, director, producers…all of them. They all blew Reggie. Sometimes they took individual turns blowing him, sometimes they did it together. On a few occasions, I read, while the director was sucking Reggie’s dick, the writer would lick his asshole. The filmmakers did such a fine job making Reggie cum over and over and over again, that he tried his best. The only person involved in this project that did so. Kudos to Reggie, and fuck everyone else with a Sharktopus tentacle. This is an awful movie.

Ranking:

1 bee

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Title: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes

Starring: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Rohm

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum trilogy? If anyone can handle the pressure, it’s Mega Shark.

Their synopsis: “When a new Mega Shark threatens mankind, the government unleashes the top-secret Mecha Shark to defeat the monster in a pitched battle.”

My synopsis: Mega Shark is angry and wants to fuck. The navy, various robot sharks, and an interracial couple try to kill him before everyone in Australia dies.

Quick review: An improvement over the second, but doesn’t best the original.

Pros: The global scope. Mega Shark making Rosie feel bad about herself by indirectly making her responsible for all those deaths. Deborah Gibson’s welcome return.

Cons: “I will speak LOUD-LY and O-VER e-NUN-CI-ATE E-VER-Y-THING I SAY in-STEAD of AC-TING!”

Biggest movie cliché: A child in peril at the worst possible time. Oh, and the kid resembles the main characters’ child who died of cancer, so they just have to save her!

Say a nice thing: I was so happy when Mega Shark knocked the head off the Sphinx. Hilarious and awesome. Also, I’m pretty sure the motorcycle jump was supposed to be humorous.

Say a mean thing: Is there something wrong with Christopher Judge’s head? It’s creepy. It looks like a giant boulder.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Mecha Shark being able to cap an oil spill (Why was that scene even in the movie?) and leap as high as Mega Shark.

Most relatable current event: Donald Sterling would be annoyed with the level of public affection between the white lady and black guy.

Final review: Despite everyone going through bouts of bad acting, a few narrative lapses, and Elisabeth Rohm resembling an ex, I very much enjoyed the third installment of the Mega Shark series. The goofy, impossible sight gags were back, as was Debbie Gibson playing Dr. Emma MacNeil. It was expansive, yet cohesive, and quite entertaining.

Ranking:

3 bees