Shark Week

Title: Shark Week

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Liz Adams, H. Perry Horton

Starring: Erin Coker, Gay David Arquette, a bunch of other losers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of complete strangers find themselves isolated by a wealthy madman on his island compound. They are forced into a horrifying gauntlet where they must survive a barrage of ever deadlier species of shark.”

My synopsis: Various white people from California are kidnapped by an ugly couple with a shark fetish. Some of them are then eaten in a swimming pool.

Quick review: No. Just no. This is fucking terrible.

Pros: I feel better about myself as a person given that I wasn’t involved in the production of this film.

Cons: Everything. And why the fuck was that guy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses?

MFK: Marry Francine. Fuck Reagan. Kill Layla.

Biggest movie cliché: Yancy Butler’s character, for no reason whatsoever, said, “Well, you know what they say. ‘You mess with the bull, you get the horns.’”

Say a nice thing that’s not actually nice at all: I once implied that due to Erin Coker’s odd face, if I were to have sex with her, I would put a bag over her head. I’ve since changed my mind. I think she’s ugly cute.

Say a mean thing: “…it would be a lot more easier…” Is that what it would be, you moron? You look great in the yoga pants, Yancy, but I would still like to disembowel you with that harpoon.

Least favorite quote: “Oh my god, the key unlocks our handcuffs.” Really, dickface? You didn’t think of trying that until just now?

Another least favorite quote: “Maybe we could tie the shark tooth to the stick. Make a spear.” Are you fucking retarded? Because seriously, that’s a retarded suggestion.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So many things took me out of this movie. It’s so goddamn awful.

Final review: To be honest, I liked the synopsis when I read it. I was hoping for Battle Royale, plus sharks. That’s not what this is. Shark Week is an unbelievably bad film. Poorly executed to an embarrassing level. Shockingly bad. Irredeemable. Dreadful. Insufferable. Other words such as these. I hate this movie so much.

Ranking:

.5 bee