Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

Bermuda Tentacles

Title: Bermuda Tentacles

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Trevor Donovan, Linda Hamilton, Mya (Harrison)

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): One of the more terrible titles I’ve seen in awhile. Named, of course, by Geoff Meed, who is just fucking awful.

Their synopsis: “When Air Force One goes down over the Bermuda Triangle, the Navy sends its best rescue team. But in saving the President, the team awakens a creature that threatens the entire eastern seaboard.”

My synopsis: The Navy tries to save the President, who is apparently omniscient, despite looking like Jon Voight on a bender.

Quick review: There’s a really cool idea somewhere inside this film. Unfortunately, it’s buried under a mountain of shit.

Pros: Jamie Kennedy is virtually unrecognizable as the annoyingly verbose Dr. Zimmer.

Cons: Either no one in this film can act, or they all got the script 12 seconds before they started shooting.

Biggest movie cliché: An exceptional, yet maverick soldier disobeys a direct order from his more reserved commanding officer.

Say a nice thing: Mya is still pretty hot, and that Trevor Donovan isn’t so hard on the eyes himself.

Say a mean thing: Linda Hamilton’s face looks like an old catcher’s mitt.

Ruin a nice thing that you said: I hope a sex tape surfaces of Mya and Trevor Donovan. I would totally jerk off to that.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The Bermuda Triangle is not mysterious.

Most relatable current event: Siberia.

Final review: A bioluminescent, extraterrestrial lifeform secretly inhabits the Bermuda Triangle, and harvests passing boats and planes for power. (Or something like that.) I don’t think that’s a bad premise for an Asylum film. And parts of it were well-represented, i.e. the cavernous vehicle graveyard. However, any decent idea that was there, gets lost amid all the superfluous gunfire, tentacled special effects, and other shitty action movie clichés. The Asylum took something simple and interesting, and heaped a bunch of garbage on top of it, which, frankly, surprises me. Sarcasm.

Ranking:

2 bees

Asteroid vs Earth

Title: Asteroid vs Earth

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Adam Lipsius

Starring: Tia Carrere, Jason Brooks, Robert Davi

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t really see how an asteroid and the Earth can versus each other.

Their synopsis: “When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.”

My synopsis: This guy wants to bang an Asian girl at a bar, but ends up having to work with her to set off nukes in the Yap Trench. Eventually, I think he probably does end up banging her.

Quick review: It’s not very exciting, but it’s not altogether bad.

Pros: Believable, normal homosexual characters in an Asylum film.

Cons: The movie’s asteroid-avoidance plot is less coherent than Armageddon’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A completely ludicrous, impossible-to-achieve idea to save Earth from asteroidal annihilation actually worked!

Best cameo: Melvin Gregg!

Say a nice thing: I liked the fidgety Asian intern.

Say a mean thing: The only good thing about Davi’s helmet of a hairpiece is that it distracts from his godawful, craterous face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That kid in charge of the nukes was far too young to be giving orders. The varying weight of the nuclear warheads was also completely absurd.

Most relatable current event: This could be Asteroid vs Earth 2.

Final review: It’s fairly well-executed, but lord almighty is it boring. I kept having to pause it and go do things, then come back. Perhaps this isn’t the best way to review a film, but it beats sleeping through it (which did happen once) and making this whole thing up. (Although, I’m not sure anyone would know the difference.) More, or just better, action sequences would have helped break up the monotony. Not creating monotony would have also been advisable.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Atlantic Rim

Title: Atlantic Rim

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: David Chokachi, Jackie Moore, Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I really enjoyed Pacific Rim, which was basically a $200 million B movie. Perhaps foolishly, my expectations are high.

Their synopsis: “When giant monsters crawl out of the Atlantic Ocean and attack the Eastern Seaboard, the U.S. government is forced to trust A.I. robots to defend the country.”

My synopsis: I don’t think it’s “A.I.” if humans are piloting the robots. Which they did, fighting sea monsters who are born under oil rigs. Then one of them did the Tony Stark from The Avengers and saved the world.

Quick review: The special effects were quite good, my only issue was they didn’t go far enough. The acting should have been CGI’d as well.

Pros: David Chokachi’s character liked to get drunk and annoy his girlfriend.

Cons: The street toughs at the beginning of the movie were laughable with their chains and talk of “Cali kush.” The monsters look suspiciously like dragons.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangle. Will she choose the sensitive one or the bad boy?

Say a nice thing: It was pretty badass when the submarine came flying out of the water and crashed into the aircraft carrier, exploding and sinking it.

Say a mean thing: Everybody salutes like a fucking pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What was with Treach saving the little white girl while simultaneously sounding like a pedophile? Nothing about that scene made any sense.

Most relatable current event: The new Godzilla movie!! Fuck yeah!!!

Final review: Everything about the final battle in New York City was embarrassing, aside from the special effects. Usually in this kind of movie, it’s the opposite. You save your best for last. Overall though, the movie wasn’t terrible. Poorly portrayed one-dimensional characters reciting lame dialogue, but it was visually well-done and mostly well-edited. Had a good action-movie pace. I’m surprised I was not (completely) let down.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

American Warships

Title: American Warships (It was American Battleship, until they got sued.)

Director: Thunder Levin

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Johanna Watts, Nikki McCauley, Carl Weathers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: The Netflix synopsis is kind of cunty, and I don’t care for it at all. We’re just going with mine. Please see below.

My synopsis: Aliens with a surprisingly in-depth knowledge of international politics try to start World War III. The USS Iowa, set to be decommissioned, is our planet’s only hope.

Quick review: The Asylum doesn’t have $100 million to spend on special effects for a Navy versus aliens film, so they had to write a way around it. They did a fine job.

Pros: Mario Van Peebles is excellent, but overall the acting is hit or miss. I was impressed by the plot development, and expected the aliens to be stupider in appearance than they were.

Cons: I call bullshit on that VCR sighting, and the alien warship looks like an enemy tank from Spectre. Also, they should’ve had Carl Weathers doing something more than pushing pencils.

Biggest movie cliché: Unnecessary love story.

Favorite quote: After a brief pause and zoom, Mario Van Peebles’ character says, “They’re not gonna sink my battleship.” The fact that he makes this line somehow not completely ridiculous is a testament to his acting ability.

Say a nice thing: Considering Battleship’s budget was hundreds of times larger than American Warships’, I’m going to call American Warships a better movie.

Say an anti-Semitic thing: Hebes are so uninteresting they can’t even sound cool when their first name is “Thunder.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: For a more believable scene, have the Korean pilots speaking Korean; the subtitles were there anyway. You did it for the Chinese pilots, for fuck sake.

Most relatable current event: Whatever papier-mache missile North Korea most recently shot 74 yards into the Sea of Japan.

Final review: The dialogue wasn’t great, but the plot was very cleverly written. It’s almost as if someone took a little time and thought it out. Even researched, perhaps. This is a rare occurrence amongst Asylum films, whose MO tends to be, “Just make it a fucking dragon! I don’t care! Hurry up!” Don’t get me wrong, there’s a decent amount of eye-rolling to be had, but fish also swim in the sea, you jackass. What’d you expect?

Ranking:

3 bees

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Title: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Director: Ace Hannah aka Jack Perez

Writer: Ace Hannah aka Jack Perez

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Vic Chao, Sean Lawlor

Year released: 2009

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This may be my favorite B movie ever. It pains me having to objectionably critique it.

Their synopsis: “..In the melting Arctic, two prehistoric sea creatures have been unleashed from their tombs of ice…they terrorize the ocean with an appetite for destruction that engulfs anything in their path…”

My synopsis: Badass monsters wreckin’ shit. Debbie Gibson still lookin’ good.

Quick review: Entertaining and purposely stupid. You can’t ask for much more in a B movie.

Pros: This. This. This. And later, this. The action scenes in this film will live on forever.

Cons: The missile launch sequence about halfway in? I’ve seen it in other movies. That’s lazy.

Biggest movie cliché: Obstinate naval commanders.

Favorite quote: “Pheromones.”

Say a nice thing: Lorenzo Lamas plays a casually racist asshole. It’s a genuinely funny and awesome character.

Say a racist thing: Deborah Gibson’s character has sex with Vic Chao’s character. It’s gross. Miscegenation is an abomination and a sin.

Best cameo: The guy I thought was Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The size of both the shark and octopus changes based on what the film wants them to destroy.

Most relatable current event: The disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 730. Perhaps caused by Mega Shark or Giant Octopus? We can only speculate…

Final review: One of the reasons I like this movie, is that it has some level of self-awareness. It understands that what’s going is silly. The action scenes clearly reflect this, but the script does as well, albeit more subtly. It does right what Mega Piranha does wrong. For instance, the act of doing science in this film is staring intently at different colors of liquid, occasionally mixing and/or shaking them, then reacting. It looks ridiculous at first, but it’s calculated foolishness, meant for comic effect. Some would say I’m giving the movie more credit than it deserves, but I’ve seen enough of these to know the difference.

Even under scrutiny, this is a fun movie, that’s also pretty well done. Still my favorite.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

King of the Lost World

Title: King of the Lost World

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt, Leigh Scott

Starring: Rhett Giles, Sarah Lieving, Bruce Boxleitner, Jeff Denton

Year released: 2005

Their synopsis: “When a plane crashes on a remote tropical island, four survivors emerge from the wreckage to find a prehistoric world untouched by the sands of time.”

My synopsis: The first thing I’m noticing is that there are way more than four survivors. Half of them go on an adventure, the other half… Then a native tribe… Nuclear bomb.

Quick review: This was so sloppily written and poorly acted.

Pros: Painted jungle lesbians. (Reminder: Leigh Scott loves lesbians.)

Cons: If you want people to have supposedly survived a plane crash, lose the explosion. Explosions tend to incinerate people, not make them slightly unkempt.

Biggest movie cliché: Goddammit! Why is there a fucking dragon in every Asylum movie?!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Impossible to choose. It’s very likely the entire script was a game of Mad Libs that got out of hand.

Say a nice thing: Sure are a lot of pretty ladies in this movie.

Say a mean thing: I get there’s not really a film here, but if everyone would have just died in the plane crash, I think we’d all have been better off.

Say a sarcastic thing: It’s a good thing all the major speaking roles were given to terrible actors instead of Andrew Lauer.

Most relatable current event: I heard something on the radio recently. Apparently, King Kong… Went to Hong Kong… To play ping pong… (Get this!) …With his ding dong!

Final review: There are three credited writers for this film. My guess is they each wrote a version of the script, then blindly combined them to form an unholy, nearly unwatchable reimagining of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World. The only positive is that I wasn’t bored watching it. The women are quite attractive and the story changes on a dime, which sated my short attention span.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Title: 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Director: Gabriel Bologna (Hahaha!)

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Natalie Stone, Sean Lawlor, Kim Little

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “When a submarine mysteriously disappears in the depths of the ocean, a rescue crew comes face to face with Captain Nemo, Jules Verne’s famous villain of the underworld…”

My synopsis: A bunch of nerds attempt to save some loser submarine; pass up the opportunity to live on an underwater BangBoat and resurrect Atlantis.

Quick review: I’m not entirely sure why, but I liked this film. Maybe I’ve been watching too many really shitty movies lately, and it’s just not quite as shitty as those.

Pros: Beer? Submarine dance clubs? Thirsty tattooed chicks? The Nautilus seems like paradise. Not sure why everyone was in such a hurry to leave.

Cons: Wikipedia told me Kerry Washington was in this movie. Wikipedia is a goddamn liar.

Cut a wrestling promo: “I am the Oxygenator! I’m gonna leave you colorless and breathless, brother! I’m gonna beat you eight ways from Sunday! Your atomic number is up! You’re going down, O yeah!”

Say a nice thing: There’s something about Natalie Stone I really like. She and I should get married.

Say a mean thing: Fuck yeah! Ten thousand leagues deeper than that faggy Jules Verne! Fuck you, you pussy!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They were pretty flexible with the idea of atmospheric pressure in this film. Also, missiles appear to be merely a nuisance rather than powerful exploding bombs.

Most relatable current event: This nerdlinger.

Final review: I can’t tell whether the last 30 minutes is poorly written, poorly edited, or both. Either way, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The rest of it was pretty enjoyable though. Submarine captains shouting orders, a crazy scientist who wants to blow up the world and live underwater, Lorenzo Lamas just chillin’ it in a bubble. Fun stuff. Wish I was there.

Ranking:

3 bees

Mega Piranha

Title: Mega Piranha

Director: Eric Forsberg

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida.”

My synopsis: Blood-thirsty Amazonian piranha grow to preposterous sizes, and their destructive wake is headed straight for the United States. Why? Cause nobody would give a shit if they just killed a bunch of commie Venezuelans.

Quick review: Why are they trying so hard to make this a B movie? The name of the film is “Mega Piranha” for fuck sake! When this is your starting concept, you don’t have to try anymore. The recipe for a good B movie is to start with a ridiculous concept, then make it as best you can. Don’t fail on purpose.

Pros: Barry Williams. The jungle noises they use come directly from the old PC game The Amazon Trail. Tits.

Cons: The godawful, wannabe-action-movie editing. The acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Science experiment gone awry.

Say a nice thing: The movie functions more as a guide to learning Spanish than as a movie. Every time the evil colonel would say something in English, his crony yell-repeated it in Spanish.

Say a mean thing: Those filthy South Americans deserve to be fish food.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why isn’t there any blood?

Most relatable current event: This is almost too perfect.

Final review: You can tell they tried to make it a little campy and silly, but they tried too hard, and on the wrong parts. The script wasn’t strong enough to support some of the goofy sight gags or the madcap editing, and, as a result, both suffered. Some of the destruction scenes are amusing, and Greg Brady is good, but that’s really all you can say for it. Sadly, Mega Piranha ends up just being a “what could’ve been.”

Ranking:

2.5 bees