Having reviewed one hundred B movies over the past year and change, it’s time to take a look back and answer some of your most pressing questions. “What actors and actresses have stood out?” “Which directors were consistently not dreadful?” “Why in god’s name did you watch all of this shit?” “How exactly does the rating system work? It doesn’t really make sense.” “Who the fuck do you think you are saying all this mean shit about people you don’t even know?”
Let’s hand out some awards!
Best Actress in a Supporting Role: I instantly thought of Shaley Scott as Taylor in Invasion of the Pod People. There are probably other notable performances I should include, but look how many categories I gave myself. I don’t have time.
Worst Actress in a Supporting Role: Kim Little in War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave. I haven’t watched that movie in over a year, yet I still fantasize about sawing through her throat with my car keys.
Best Visual Effects: MechaHitler from Nazis at the Center of the Earth. Unless boobs count as visual effects. I’ve seen a lot of cool boobs.
Worst Visual Effects: Down syndrome Bigfoot? Invisible motorcycle? A majority of the train scenes? Papier-mache tank? Murderous/pussy eating devil baby? Ghost fight? The possibilities are endless. Let’s go with retarded Bigfoot.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Lorenzo Lamas for being a funny racist in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Honorable mention to Andrew Lauer in H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, and Dr. Alan Grant, who was pretty good in Merlin’s Apprentice. I’m also going to mention Coolio, just so I can include Pterodactyl, which is probably my favorite review.
Worst Actor in a Supporting Role: All of the dragons. So many fucking dragons… Oh, and Geoff Meed in I Am Omega. I hate Geoff Meed.
Best Writing: When it comes to inserting lesbianism into a script for really no reason whatsoever, Leigh Scott is the king. (Though Tim Culley tried his best.) Unfortunately, it would be wrong to judge this category based solely on super hot girl-on-girl action. (It would, right? Hmm… … …Yeah, I guess so.) I’ll give it to Jack Perez for Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. If nothing else, he wrote in arguably the greatest action scene ever.
Worst Writing: Liz Adams. She has a writing credit on Shark Week, and is the only credited writer of both Air Collision and Super Cyclone. Shark Week is an abomination, Air Collision is a mess, and Super Cyclone is so dumb it made me write Twister wasn’t half bad. I hate Liz Adams for that. Oh, and Geoff Meed. Fuck him.
Best Actress in a Lead Role: Let’s go with Jean Louisa Kelly in The Cyberstalking. Yes, Sinead McCafferty was a crazily hot naked alien in The Day the Earth Stopped, and Jessica Chastain was very good in Blackbeard, but JLK deserves some love. Plus, Jessica Chastain’s already been nominated for two Oscars. What more does she want?
Worst Actress in a Lead Role: I think Sarah Lieving is fucking beautiful, but she is not a good actress. However, Sara Malakul Lane is also a ridiculously gorgeous terrible actress, who, in addition, takes her clothes off. I still feel bad about myself for giving Jailbait more stars than it deserved, so I’m awarding Worst Actress to Sara, not Sarah. Have some goddamn respect for yourself, Sara! (Or don’t. I’m not judging.)
Best Actor in a Lead Role: Do you not remember Jude Law? God, that son of a bitch is handsome.
Worst Actor in a Lead Role: Rhett Giles, I guess? He’s had some big roles in a lot of garbage. He may be a good actor for all I know, but his choices are for shit. He’s The Asylum’s Nic Cage.
Best Director: Anthony C. Ferrante, Thunder Levin, and C. Thomas Howell have all turned in multiple winners. If I had to pick from only those three, I’d give it to Thunder Levin for AE: Apocalypse Earth and American Warships. He not only directed, but wrote those films. If Rhett Giles is The Asylum’s Nicolas Cage, Levin is Asylum’s Tarantino. Really though, I’m just going to give it to Jack Perez for Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.
Worst Director: I think I have to go Liz Adams again, for directing Air Collision and Super Cyclone. There are directors who have put forth worse films than Liz Adams, but they’ve also turned in some decent work. (I’m looking at you, Justin Jones.) The Kondelik Brothers suck, but Liz Adams probably sucks more.
Best Picture: It’s no secret Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is my favorite B movie. It wins, and will keep winning until I see something better. No, it did not garner the maximum four-star review, but only Clash of the Empires did that, and for all the wrong reasons. I would, however, like to give an honorable mention to Cleaver Family Reunion. The trailer makes you want to kick a small dog in the stomach, but it’s actually a pretty funny movie.
Worst Picture: I’ve only ever given two films zero stars. 2012: Doomsday and Monster. But Monster was not only horrendous, it was also so goddamn disappointing. It’s a monster movie that takes place in Japan, yet the final product is an enormous, disrespectful, smoldering pile of shit in the mouth of the kaiju genre. I’m tempted to watch the film again, simply to reaffirm my hatred of it. Or maybe I’ll just stab my penis with a rusty safety pin for ninety minutes. Whichever.
The B Movie Review 