Megafault

Title: Megafault

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Brittany Murphy, Eriq La Salle

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A seismologist and a miner must stop a massive earthquake that threatens to tear the world in half.”

My synopsis: “Scientists” try to stop an earthquake by creating another earthquake. Unsurprisingly, this plan backfires.

Quick review: Premise is a bit……shaky. And it’s dull.

Pros: Brittany Murphy was so cute. Why can’t only ugly people die early?

Cons: Why in christ’s name would you leave your kid alone with a trucker? Dan Lane is a terrible father, with a boring name.

Biggest movie cliché: Just outracing an earthquake. Stopping to rubberneck amidst running for your life.

Say a mean thing: Had I recently watched myself in this horseshit, I would have taken a bunch of pills too.

Say a racist thing: Brittany Murphy is a coal-burning race traitor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not one human being of importance would be slightly upset if Lexington, Kentucky sank into the earth.

Most relatable current event: #BlackLivesMatter, just not as much as #WhiteLives do, apparently.

Final review: The majority of Megafault takes place in the American Midwest, which is really a perfect representation of this film. Large stretches of nothingness, with mildly interesting stops along the way. And it’s about family. Specifically, white families. It is a foregone conclusion that Brittany Murphy’s underdeveloped character (one of many) and her family will be happily reunited at the end of the movie, so there are no stakes during the tedious, repetitive action sequences. Overall, it’s the kind of Asylum film you’ve seen a hundred times before. Unless, unlike me, you have anything better to do with your time.

Ranking:

2 bees

Stonados

Title: Stonados

Director: Jason Bourque

Writer: Rafael Jordan

Starring: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Miranda Frigon

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I tried to review this awhile ago, watched the first nine minutes, then said, “Nah, fuck this.” Let’s try again.

Their synopsis: “All hail breaks loose when tornadoes hurl large stones over Boston.”

My synopsis: A cute cop, an egocentric weatherman, and an absentee teacher drive around greater Boston warning people of a ridiculous weather phenomenon.

Quick review: The telegraphed action sequences are beyond dreadful, but the rest is surprisingly decent.

Pros: That old bag o’ bones really likes to say “damn.”

Cons: Shouldn’t that teacher (and his kids) be in class? Also, the “scientific” explain of the stonados was horseshit.

Biggest movie cliché: We’ll limit it to the godawful action clichés once our heroes were in the Metro News van. Or the news station being called something as generic as “Metro News.”

Ask a mean question: Is Jessica McLeod going bald, or does she just have a gigantic forehead?

Say a nice thing: Boston is an absolutely lovely city…

Say a mean thing: …full of racist imbeciles with cacophonous accents.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The most unrealistic game of basketball between two black guys ever put on film.

Most relatable current event: I didn’t know England had tornadoes.

Final review: Well, maybe decent is too strong a word. The story is decidedly average, but it’s almost believable. The characters are also as superficial as can be humanly written, but they’re not woefully acted. (The single father has trouble dealing with his teenage daughter? Aw, man! That’s tough, you guys!) Ultimately, what’s mostly shitty about this movie is that it’s an action film, with some of the worst action scenes imaginable. Not ideal. If you’re not going to spend any time on the plot, at least make sure some aspect of the film is entertaining. There is more than a hint of Twister in this movie, as well. Inadvisable.

Ranking:

2 bees