Dragon Crusaders

Title: Dragon Crusaders

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Dylan Jones, Cecily Fay, Shinead Byrne

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t want to watch another Mark Atkins dragon movie right now, but this is going off Netflix, which unfortunately means I have to.

Their synopsis: “A group of fugitive Knights Templar attacks a pirate ship and they are cursed to turn into hideous monsters. To fight the curse and ultimately save the world, they must defeat the wizard-dragon who is determined to destroy it.”

My synopsis: A shitty orphan witch, who is admittedly pretty hot, can only cast vague curses, which leads to the accidental gargoyling of some runaway knights.

Quick review: Same dragon, different day.

Pros: The fight scenes are generally not terrible. And whose idea was it to put both women on the same horse? Genius.

Cons: All this curse business is just lazy, bullshit writing.

Biggest movie cliché: The worst dragon is always “the black dragon.” Racist…

Say a nice thing: Cecily Fay is a sexy badass.

Say a mean thing: Mark Atkins is a dragon cuckold who has no understanding of how to make a decent film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure I buy Spandex existing in this ancient, magical realm.

Most relatable current event: The store owner that Mike Brown robbed for cigarettes probably called him a “brack dragon” after he left. Probably.

Final review: It’s always just the same damn thing, isn’t it? A sorcerer, witches, knights and dragons, peasants… The genre should be left alone, unless you can actually write a story that’s not only semi-interesting, but plausible. And I don’t mean plausible by normal standards; Asylum standards will do just fine. But no, Mark Atkins and his raging dragon boner will not leave well enough alone. Oh my god with this fucking guy and dragons! It’s so annoying. This is, however, his least shitty dragon film I’ve seen, but he’s got one with Nazis that I’ve yet to review. Not gonna lie, kind of looking forward to it. In six months or so.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Jack the Giant Killer

Title: Jack the Giant Killer

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Ginger Elijah Wood, that crazy lady Bruce Willis used to fuck

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): What’re the odds the “giant” resembles a dragon?

Their synopsis: “A giant beanstalk brings Jack to a land in the clouds filled with snarling, evil beasts. When the creatures make their way to the ground, Jack must figure out how to get back down before they destroy earth and everyone in it.”

My synopsis: Some species of dinosaur monster gets brought to England by a queen/witch, who hours later regrets her decision and helps bring about their destruction.

Quick review: Not one actual “giant” to be found. And that’s fucking bullshit.

Cons: Honestly, who the fuck fires a pistol at a dinosaur? Anytime someone is shooting a gun on screen, this movie is failing miserably.

More cons: Serena is a human, right? How did she get magical powers?

Even more cons: Fuck Mark Atkins for that bullshit, superficial reason people traveled in flying castles. Castles, by the way, which are mysteriously suited for humans instead of giants.

Biggest movie cliché: Oh crud! That vehicle stopped working at an incredibly inopportune time, huh?

Hilarious, glaring error: My favorite part of the film is when Jack dismounts from a nonexistent motorcycle.

Say a nice thing: Lisa is helpful and cute.

Say a mean thing: General O’Shauncey is a fat, unfunny twat.

Say a mean, then crass, thing: Despite her enormous chompers, her highness Serena can get it in her bath chair all night.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: If Newald is supposed to be straight, why did he stop hanging out with a super hot chick with abandonment issues that lives in an ornate castle? That’s the definition of paradise.

Final review: When you think of the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk, you automatically think of giants. It’s a packaged deal. Large humanoids shouting “Fi Fi Fo Fum!” who want to grind your bones into bread. (Though I can’t imagine that tastes good.) What you don’t imagine, and are extremely disappointed if you get, is large, scaly, six-eyed dinosaurs, or some asshole kid in a shitty-looking robot. What does any of this have to do with giants? They’re a major appeal of the story! There was also a lot of terrible acting, plot holes, and underdeveloped characters, but the lack of giants really bothered me.

Ranking:

2 bees

Bermuda Tentacles

Title: Bermuda Tentacles

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Trevor Donovan, Linda Hamilton, Mya (Harrison)

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): One of the more terrible titles I’ve seen in awhile. Named, of course, by Geoff Meed, who is just fucking awful.

Their synopsis: “When Air Force One goes down over the Bermuda Triangle, the Navy sends its best rescue team. But in saving the President, the team awakens a creature that threatens the entire eastern seaboard.”

My synopsis: The Navy tries to save the President, who is apparently omniscient, despite looking like Jon Voight on a bender.

Quick review: There’s a really cool idea somewhere inside this film. Unfortunately, it’s buried under a mountain of shit.

Pros: Jamie Kennedy is virtually unrecognizable as the annoyingly verbose Dr. Zimmer.

Cons: Either no one in this film can act, or they all got the script 12 seconds before they started shooting.

Biggest movie cliché: An exceptional, yet maverick soldier disobeys a direct order from his more reserved commanding officer.

Say a nice thing: Mya is still pretty hot, and that Trevor Donovan isn’t so hard on the eyes himself.

Say a mean thing: Linda Hamilton’s face looks like an old catcher’s mitt.

Ruin a nice thing that you said: I hope a sex tape surfaces of Mya and Trevor Donovan. I would totally jerk off to that.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The Bermuda Triangle is not mysterious.

Most relatable current event: Siberia.

Final review: A bioluminescent, extraterrestrial lifeform secretly inhabits the Bermuda Triangle, and harvests passing boats and planes for power. (Or something like that.) I don’t think that’s a bad premise for an Asylum film. And parts of it were well-represented, i.e. the cavernous vehicle graveyard. However, any decent idea that was there, gets lost amid all the superfluous gunfire, tentacled special effects, and other shitty action movie clichés. The Asylum took something simple and interesting, and heaped a bunch of garbage on top of it, which, frankly, surprises me. Sarcasm.

Ranking:

2 bees

Ghost Shark

Title: Ghost Shark

Director: Griff Furst

Writer: Eric Forsberg, Griff Furst, Paul A. Birkett

Starring: Mackenzie Rosman, Sloane Coe, Dave Davis (terrible fucking name)

Year released: 2013

Their synopsis: “It’s a shark that’s a ghost. Need anything else?”

My synopsis: There’s a shark, which is also a ghost. You’d think you wouldn’t need anything else, but you’d be wrong.

Quick review: Eighty-seven minutes of Jaws-stealing, shoehorned nonsense. This is a movie that did not need to be made.

Pros: Gorgeous sisters, an old, creepy drunk guy, and not canceling a party after your friends die in an effort to get laid.

Cons: The acting and green-screening, along with the entire premise of the film.

Biggest movie cliché: Town elders keeping secret a mysterious and deadly past.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There was a black guy swimming.

Say a nice thing: The smoking hot little sister loves to commit petty crimes. What a winner!

Say a mean thing: Why is there big fat repulsive slob in the movie? With his shirt off, no less. Fucking gross.

Most relatable current event: This Chimaera.

Final review: Again, if all you want to do is have a luminescent ghost shark eat people in odd/semi-amusing ways, don’t be so goddamn serious. There’s crises of conscience, a guy struggling with the murder of his wife, emotional pleas, etc. Why?! What could any of this possibly add to the basis of the film, which, I reiterate, is that a fucking blue ghost shark eats people in crazy ways! You’re an asshole, Griff Furst. Make me laugh with this horseshit!

Ranking:

2 bees

Age of Tomorrow

Title: Age of Tomorrow

Director: James Kondelik

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Anthony Marks, Kelly Hu, Lane Townsend

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): It almost sounds like “Edge of.” Probably as close as you can legally get.

Their synopsis: “Mankind must fight to survive as Earth is invaded by hostile UFOs bent on destroying the planet. As the epic battle wages on, astronauts sneak aboard the mothership where they discover a portal to…” It just goes on from there.

My synopsis: Aliens invade our planet, then we invade their planet. Something similar will happen in the eventual sequel, I’m guessing.

Quick review: The writers are thieving assholes. Predator, Avatar, Independence Day, Star Wars, etc.

Pros: A hostile alien spacecraft disguising itself as an asteroid is not a terrible idea.

Cons: The initial firefighting scene somehow made me hate all firefighters.

Biggest movie cliché: The alien’s home planet has breathable air/is basically Colorado. And the aliens themselves look like Voldo. The human mind has a very limited capability to imagine extraterrestrial life.

Least favorite quote: “I don’t think she’s actually dead!” A more ham-handed (impossible to know) foreshadowing there could not possibly be.

Say a nice thing: I, too, would save Taylor Coliee from robot alien drones. She is super cute.

Say a mean thing: For his inability to read lines, Mitchell Carpenter should have his tongue cut out with hedge shears.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Why in god’s name do parents still leave voicemails?! I lost count of how many times I’ve told my mom to stop doing it. Just text for christ’s sake!

Most relatable current event: Philae comet lander. Also, Interstellar wormholes.

Final review: Generally, when Earth-invading aliens and Earth-inhabiting humans face off against each other in a film, you’re supposed to be on the side of the humans. In the case of this movie, I didn’t care about a single human life. (Minus Lindsay, of course. I wanted her to be safe…in my arms.) However, fuck the aliens too. Fuck their shitty, humanoid design and fuck their color-saturated planet. I wanted both planets, and the homes of the writers’ families, to blow up. Other than that it’s not so bad.

Ranking:

2 bees