Mercenaries

Title: Mercenaries

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Zoё Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Nicole Bilderback

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): How is this popular on Netflix?

Their synopsis: “A diplomatic official is captured and imprisoned while touring a war zone, so a team of elite female commandoes is assembled to infiltrate a women’s prison for a daring rescue.”

My synopsis: Female prisoners of rapidly descending attractiveness attempt to save the president’s daughter from a shitty, not-at-all believable villain.

Quick review: Women are just as something something as men. Wasn’t paying that much attention, was busy hoping Kat would start an orgy with all the teenage prostitutes.

Pros: The first thing I’ve seen Kristanna Loken in since Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. (Haha, I know. I forgot about that movie too.) This is good news because Kristanna Loken is really hot. Also, Lexi is a yummy little scamp. And I don’t even like Russian girls.

Cons: Was the comic book thing necessary, or just a cheap cop-out to make editing easier?

Biggest movie cliché: The foreign bad guy uses the phrase, “You Americans…”

MFK: Marry Kat. Fuck Mei-Lin. Kill Raven and Cassandra.

Say a nice thing: Zoё Bell was great in Death Proof.

Say a mean thing: Zoё Bell has aged terribly since Death Proof.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. Minigun. Ever.

Most relatable current event: What are Sasha and Malia up to? Totally unrelated, how old is Malia now? Asking for a friend…

Final review: First of all, everything about the Kazakh terrorists is wrong. Fucking everything. 1) They’re white! For fuck sake!! 2) They’re led by a woman! This is PC bullshit and it’s fucking enraging. That asininity aside, the movie becomes watchable after the first act. Decently acted with a predictable story. The action scenes, however, are nonsensical and awful. If you’re trying to make an action movie, and the action scenes are the worst part, you’re probably doing something wrong. In addition, Mercenaries is supposed to (on some level) serve as a feminist film, but it was clearly written by a man who doesn’t know anything about feminism. Not that I care, really, but the glaringly poor effort did annoy me. On the plus side, it would be funny to watch a hardcore feminist get frustrated with the paper-thin female characters sassing their way about Kazakhstan.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

Title: The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Catherine Annette, Grant O’Connell

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the last full-length film Glenn Miller directed before he did my last review, the cutesy, family-friendly Santa Claws. Let’s see how the two compare.

Their synopsis: “When a nerdy sorority girl falls in love with a zombie, it’s only a matter of time before a zombie apocalypse is unleashed on campus…”

My synopsis: A collegiate zombie outbreak occurs amidst the comedic equivalent of The Blitz.

Quick review: Remarkably unfunny. I laughed once, when Selena Gomez’s gross older sister did a retard voice. Retard voice is comedy gold.

Pros: Getting blown at a foam party. Nudity.

Cons: Every single sound, and most of the visuals.

Biggest movie cliché: The mistaken belief that a girl using a lot of profanity is automatically hilarious.

Say a nice thing: I hope the person Scotty Mullen loves most commits suicide in front of him.

Say a mean thing: I sincerely hope Scotty Mullen’s only daughter falls into an alcoholic depression and dies of gastrointestinal bleeding.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Yeah, because women hate French guys…

Most relatable current event: People in Colorado apparently need help getting high.

Final review: “Hey! Look over here! It’s funny! What’s going on over here is really funny! And did you hear that wacky sound effect?! Hahaha! Classic, right?!” This is the entire film. Trying too hard to be funny is arguably the least funny thing one can do. You ever meet somebody at a party like this, and immediately come up with an excuse to walk away? Imagine that instead of walking away, you handcuffed yourself to that person for 90 minutes. Jesus fucking christ… Making a shitty zombie comedy that involves college, nudity, and weed can’t be terribly difficult, yet this movie is excruciatingly bad.

Ranking:

1 bee

Santa Claws

Title: Santa Claws

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Anna Rasmussen

Starring: Ezra James Colbert, Nicola Lambo, Evan Boymel

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Dear lord, I can’t believe I’m going to watch this. Merry Christmas.

Their synopsis: “When a gift sack full of kittens gives Santa a bad allergic reaction, the kitties have to take over and deliver the and deliver the presents on time.” Even Netflix couldn’t be bothered with this shit.

My synopsis: Cats are Santa. Fuck you!

Quick review: I know it’s supposed to be for kids, but I’d rather bury a child than make one watch this.

Pros: I like how the movie completely disregarded religion in relation to Christmas.

Cons: The next-door neighbor brought over macaroni and cheese. That’s racist!

Biggest movie cliché: Thinking whatever a talking animal says is hilarious because it’s an animal that’s talking.

Least favorite quote: “I picked a heck of a week to quit coughing up hairballs!” That’s an actual thing that was said during this atrocity of a film.

Say a nice thing: Less than a minute and a half in, and the movie made me laugh via a kitten mocking Santa’s obesity. (Then immediately made me regret it by not sticking with the fat joke.)

Say several mean things about Julia Morris: Julia is a cunt and a terrible mother. Way to go imposing your awful childhood on your own kid. No wonder Tommy doesn’t have a father. Poor bastard probably offed himself once he found out she got pregnant. Julia Morris is also a godawful writer. Look at this mistake-riddled horseshit…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: VCR usage. None of these characters could possibly exist in real life. And your Santas didn’t break, dick, they’re hollow plastic.

Most relatable current event: The War on Christmas.

Final review: Someone thought it’d be cute to film a bunch of cats around Christmas decorations. Sure, sounds good in theory, but then you went and made reindeer talk like surfers. I’m way too much of an asshole to watch a kid’s movie and not be annoyed, but should everything the kittens say make me want to drown them in a tub? It’s horribly written, but probably isn’t as bad I think. I’m not exactly the target demo for this nonsense. And can someone get Santa a goddamn antihistamine or something?

Ranking:

2 bees

Shark Week

Title: Shark Week

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Liz Adams, H. Perry Horton

Starring: Erin Coker, Gay David Arquette, a bunch of other losers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of complete strangers find themselves isolated by a wealthy madman on his island compound. They are forced into a horrifying gauntlet where they must survive a barrage of ever deadlier species of shark.”

My synopsis: Various white people from California are kidnapped by an ugly couple with a shark fetish. Some of them are then eaten in a swimming pool.

Quick review: No. Just no. This is fucking terrible.

Pros: I feel better about myself as a person given that I wasn’t involved in the production of this film.

Cons: Everything. And why the fuck was that guy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses?

MFK: Marry Francine. Fuck Reagan. Kill Layla.

Biggest movie cliché: Yancy Butler’s character, for no reason whatsoever, said, “Well, you know what they say. ‘You mess with the bull, you get the horns.’”

Say a nice thing that’s not actually nice at all: I once implied that due to Erin Coker’s odd face, if I were to have sex with her, I would put a bag over her head. I’ve since changed my mind. I think she’s ugly cute.

Say a mean thing: “…it would be a lot more easier…” Is that what it would be, you moron? You look great in the yoga pants, Yancy, but I would still like to disembowel you with that harpoon.

Least favorite quote: “Oh my god, the key unlocks our handcuffs.” Really, dickface? You didn’t think of trying that until just now?

Another least favorite quote: “Maybe we could tie the shark tooth to the stick. Make a spear.” Are you fucking retarded? Because seriously, that’s a retarded suggestion.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So many things took me out of this movie. It’s so goddamn awful.

Final review: To be honest, I liked the synopsis when I read it. I was hoping for Battle Royale, plus sharks. That’s not what this is. Shark Week is an unbelievably bad film. Poorly executed to an embarrassing level. Shockingly bad. Irredeemable. Dreadful. Insufferable. Other words such as these. I hate this movie so much.

Ranking:

.5 bee

6 Guns

Title: 6 Guns

Director: Shane Van Dyke

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Sage Mears (good name), Barry Van Dyke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): First Asylum western I’ve seen. I recently rewatched Tombstone, so why not see how this stacks up?

Their synopsis: “A young woman enlists the aid of a bounty hunter to teach her how to be a gunfighter so she can hunt down the men who killed her family.”

My synopsis: A lady who doesn’t understand she could improve her shooting accuracy by gripping the pistol with two hands wants revenge on the men who raped her and killed her husband and children.

Quick review: If this movie needed a place to sleep for the night, they wouldn’t be allowed to stay at ‘Best Western.’ Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Pros: You don’t often see children murdered execution-style in films. I respect the balls it takes to do this, even if it was one of the most drawn-out, poorly edited scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

Cons: Because of course Geoff Meed makes himself the (embarrassingly awful, yet fairly brutal) bad guy. Again. He thinks putting dirt on his character’s face is making him seem tough and rugged. God, what a cunt!

Biggest movie cliché: The Asylum tried to make a western. How many clichés do you think there are?

Least favorite quote: “…get something to eat in your stomach besides whiskey…” When this happens, you do another take. Have some fucking pride in your work, Asylum.

Say a nice thing: The selection of prostitutes at the Bisbee/Whitehorse Saloon is top-notch.

Say a creepy thing: I, too, would like a rubbin’ from Sage Mears. She is gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: Your dead husband’s diet would have contributed to his premature death anyway, Selina, you enabling bitch. Cooking him roast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! His cholesterol levels must have been through the roof!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: God forbid you play cards with anything other than a brand new Bicycle deck.

Most relatable current event: I don’t want to bring up Peshawar. It’s too goddamn barbaric. Goddamn Muslim savages…

Final review: Standard western narrative, with serviceable dialogue and acting (generally). My problem is that it takes forever for anything to get done. Aggrieved woman wants bounty hunter to teach her to shoot? “Let’s do it in 16 scenes! That’s sounds like enough!” This movie is 95 minutes long, probably could have been 80. A tighter films equals a better film. It wastes its time on nonsense, then has its characters talk (Fucking talk!) about an epic gunfight instead of actually showing it! Always a good idea in a western to minimize shootouts…

Ranking:

2 bees

Bachelor Night

Title: Bachelor Night

Director: Maximilian Elfeldt, Jeff Newman

Writer: Maximilian Elfeldt, Brian Misakian, Jeff Newman

Starring: Andrew Bongiorno, Heather Paige Cohn, Skyler Yeast (terrible name)

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): For personal reasons, I need to watch another one of these. (Because I’m trying to not watch porn right now and I’m going insane.)

Their synopsis: “When a bachelor party and a bachelorette party cross paths in Vegas, only the best man and the maid of honor can save their friends from a night of epic ‘mistakes.’”

My synopsis: Imagine if The Hangover and Bridesmaids had an illegitimate, deformed child, and then abandoned that ugly retarded fuck on Balzar Avenue at 3am. (Too much?)

Quick review: So close.

Pros: Minus the latent homosexuality, I identified very much with the character/creepiness of Frank.

Cons: Maybe the worst Vegas suites in cinema history.

Biggest movie cliché: Uh oh! That bachelor and/or bachelorette party didn’t go quite as planned, huh?!

Favorite quote: “That’s what she said!” That never gets old…

Say a nice thing: Amanda is such a good girl.

Say a crass thing: For as much money as they gave Providence (the stripper), she should have sucked their dicks until she got pregnant.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’m not entirely sure pretending to be a flaming homosexual so that hot girls will want to fuck you straight is a sound strategy. But if it is, please sign me up.

Most relatable current event: A friend of mine is coming into town for the holidays, so we’ll probably go to a strip club this weekend. Not that I need to or anything…

Final review: The movie isn’t bad per se, but it doesn’t do enough to where I’d consider it good. The acting is decent, I laughed a couple of times, and it can be pretty sexy. However, the story is beyond trite, and I never really cared about the characters or the ending, because it’s painfully obvious where this film is going. It’s as close as you can get to good, without actually getting there. And there’s boobs. So watch it for that, I guess.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Alien Origin

Title: Alien Origin

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Chelsea Vincent, other folks

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Recently discovered footage from a lost military expedition exposes a horrifying truth about the genesis of life on earth.”

My synopsis: All this shitty footage is found that doesn’t reveal a goddamn thing. I wish it was never recovered.

Quick review: What’s the best ‘found footage’ movie? Cloverfield? Blair Witch Project? A lesser-known film I haven’t seen? Regardless, it’s not this abomination.

Pros: The Mayan ruins and the caves Dr. Holden explores all look really cool. Makes me want to visit Belize.

Cons: All Belizean soldiers speak perfect English. (To be fair, one or two of them is actually English.) Also, the incessant military hand signals don’t mean anything, and are dumb as shit.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: If someone is filming in this movie, they’re also not talking, which doesn’t make any sense. They’re not supposed to be cameramen, just normal people involved in the conversation, that also happen to be filming.

Say a nice thing: Chelsea Vincent is super cute with short blonde hair.

Say a mean thing: Go back to directing dragons, you no-talent fuck.

Biggest movie cliché: For some reason, in found footage films, cameras tend to get fuzzy and/or crap out completely right as something interesting is happening.

Most relatable current event: Whatever the fuck this is.

Final review: Nothing really happens for large stretches of this film. Then, it will lead you to a place where you think something might happen, and again, nothing. (An hour in and they still won’t let you see the aliens. At an hour and twenty-five, they BARELY let you see them. Aliens, mind you, which are supposedly the basis of the entire film!) And the final payoff, which is an insult to the word payoff, of which the title Alien Origin is based, will make you fucking angry. It’s worse than nothing. I think Mark Atkins finished the movie, forget he never explained the title, then took five minutes to write and shoot an epilogue. Fuck him in the ass with a pointy-toothed, oblong skull.

If you’re into watching a pretty girl and a bunch of dudes dressed as soldiers wander through a jungle for an hour and a half, and then be intellectually insulted, this is the film for you. That, however, describes no one.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Alpha House

Title: Alpha House

Director: Jacob Cooney

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Brandon Trenz

Starring: Julien Bensimhon, Heather Paige Cohn, Chris O’Brien, Jean Louise O’Sullivan

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When the biggest frat house on campus is forced by the assistant dean to share their house with a sorority or face ejection from school, the boys wage an epic battle of the sexes to fight for their right to party.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): Fucking seriously? “…the boys wage an epic battle of the sexes to fight for their right to party”? That’s the worst goddamn thing I’ve ever read.

My synopsis: College kids hate it when a bevy of gorgeous coeds move into their house. Are the dumbest college kids imaginable.

Quick review: I laughed a few times, and was aroused for most of the film.

Pros: Melvin Gregg being dirty, and all of the frat house posters are from other Asylum movies.

Cons: Worst. Catchphrase. Ever.

Biggest movie cliché: An uptight, untrustworthy college dean who eventually gets his comeuppance. (Spoiler alert: His comeuppance is being pegged by a chick wearing a squirrel costume, and then fired.)

Say a mean thing: Kelly Kramer is a kunt.

Say a creepy thing: I’m sorry, ladies, I’m not sure where all your dirty underwear went. But it certainly wasn’t in my mouth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The basic premise of the film is that a bunch of drunk, horny frat bros are upset that super hot sorority girls are sharing the same house with them.

Most relatable current event: Rape accusations are all the rage right now.

Final review: Okay, so I’m a college freshman living in a large house with six of my buddies and a dozen beautiful women. Women who enjoy cleaning up and walking around in crop tops and boy shorts, and who are generally pretty slutty. Does it make any kind of fucking sense that I’m angry with this scenario? No, it fucking doesn’t. What a horseshit idea for a film. It’s ludicrous and illogical on all counts. Just write a different premise and the movie is that much better. All you want to do is make dirty jokes and show naked women anyway. It can’t be that hard. …Hard. Haha.

Ranking:

2.5 bees