Abominable

Title: Abominable

Director: Ryan Schifrin

Writer: Ryan Schifrin, James Morrison

Starring: Matt McCoy, Haley Joel, Retarded Bigfoot

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’ve seen part of this movie before, but I only remember two things. Sasquatch slapping the fuck out of some girl, and Sasquatch crushing somebody’s head with its palms. Should be a good one.

Their synopsis: I can’t find anything on their website, but they do have a link to the Abominable Myspace page. So that’s helpful.

My synopsis: A crippled voyeur faces down a sasquatch with Down syndrome.

Quick review: It’s like Rear Window, but with a ridiculous-looking Bigfoot and almost no suspense.

Pros: Occasionally, the Sasquatch would beat the shit out of somebody, and the movie was hilarious and awesome. Some of the dialogue.

Cons: Most of the time, the Sasquatch was simply dragging people away, and we weren’t being treated to Sasquatch beating the shit out of somebody. Much of the dialogue.

Biggest movie cliché: The ‘skeptical friend’ character, of which there are about eight.

Favorite quote: While his friends were shooting at it, some guy called Bigfoot a “cocksucker.” That really made me laugh.

Say a creepy thing: I probably (definitely) would have watched that lady shower too.

Say a mean thing: Preston’s wife should be happy she died.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How is a giant, primitive ape able to move as deftly as a ninja? Also, I remember the Internet being a lot more advanced in 2006 than this movie depicts.

Most relatable current event: This asshole who wants Bigfoot to be real.

Final review: It isn’t as fun, but the sasquatch is most certainly as stupid, as I remember. Some of the secondary characters and their situations are well done, but overall it’s not a particularly believable monster movie. June has been a particularly busy month for me, and I’m coming off a terrible bout of food poisoning last night, so I’m just gonna leave it there. I need to get back into the swing of things.

Ranking:

2 bees

Jailbait

Title: Jailbait (Also known as: 17 & Life)

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn

Starring: Sara Malakul Lane

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Great. Title.

Their synopsis: “After killing her stepfather in self-defense, Anna Nix is sent to a juvenile detention center. As she struggles to survive in a world of girl gangs and predatory guards, Anna must fight her dark side and stay above the fray.”

My synopsis: An astonishingly poor attempt to fit the entire first season of Orange is the New Black into 90 minutes.

Quick review: Hot. Completely unbelievable and horribly written, but hot.

Pros: It’s basically a softcore porn movie.

Cons: The writing is so goddamn bad.

Biggest movie cliché: Every prison cliché.

Big suspension of disbelief: Not racist enough for a prison film.

Say a nice thing: Sara Malakul Lane did a better acting job in this than in Sharktopus. Oh, and her tits are truly incredible.

Say a creepy thing: Boy howdy did my helmet get a thorough pinching watching this movie!

Bigger suspension of disbelief: The setting is supposed to be a juvenile detention center, but every bitch in there is at least 30.

Most relatable current event: Season 2 of Orange is the New Black. Hopefully, it will not inspire Jared Cohn to make a sequel.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The premise of the film is asinine. A drunk, loserly nobody beats and then attempts to rape his honor roll, cello-expert stepdaughter. She defends herself, and he dies in a freak accident. No amount of shitty police work could fuck that case up. AND the girl is sentenced by a female judge.

Final review: I’m torn. My erection says it’s the greatest Asylum film ever, but my brain picked apart the awful screenplay in every scene. The characters stink, the dialogue is cringeworthy, there’s no drama, Jared Cohn put in absolutely zero time or effort, and it’s generally just horseshit in every cinematic sense. The rating for this movie is based 100% on its nudity and sexual content (as opposed to my very strict, normal criteria of 94%) because without it, nobody’s watching this garbage.

Ranking:

2 bees