Snakes on a Train

Title: Snakes on a Train

Director: Peter Mervis

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Alby Castro, Julia Ruiz, Giovanni Bejarano

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I am an unabashed SOAP fan. When Snakes on a Plane first came out, I was so excited to see it I went to a late Thursday night showing. I had a lovely time. I also own this same shirt.

Their synopsis: “Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman…With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles.”

My synopsis: Dirty, filthy immigrants illegally board a train to Los Angeles, and the least frightening snakes ever somehow terrify the passengers.

Quick review: It was more annoying than anything else.

Pros: The acting was mostly fine.

Cons: There had to have been a less terrible way to get to “snakes on a train.” How did ‘a sick Mexican woman vomits them up with Jell-O’ make the final cut?

Biggest movie cliché: All of the character pairings.

Most relatable current event: Twenty minutes into the film, I wanted this to happen.

Say a nice thing: The only person I rooted for was the balding divorced guy. I was hoping he’d get to bang the similarly divorced hottie. Seemed like he needed it.

Say a racist thing: Stop fucking chanting, you greasy wetback!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There were no rattlesnakes. Not a single goddamn one. So stop with the fucking sound effect already!

Final review: We all have our “snakes.” I get it. Inner demons, right? How clever, yet also completely ham-handed and utterly irrelevant to the overall plot. Snakes on a Plane knew what it was, and it delivered. The Asylum actually tried to give a film called Snakes on a Train depth and sobriety. Why?! It’s not what they do well! (Not that they really do anything well, but still.) It reminds me of a movie I’m making called Kronosaurus vs Mega Platypus. It’s about a Lebanese teenager’s identity crisis, brought on by the sexual abuse of his adoptive mother. In one pivotal scene, the scientist says to the Lebanese teen, Bashir, “The platypus may feel isolated because of its unusual background.” Then Bashir makes a sad face and looks at the ground. Oh, and at some point the giant platypus fights a Kronosaurus.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Asian School Girls

Title: Asian School Girls

Director: Lawrence Silverstein

Writer: Tim Culley

Starring: Sam Aotaki, Minnie Scarlet, Catherine Kim

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “Kidnapped by a Los Angeles crime syndicate, a group of schoolgirls must fight and seduce their way to vengeance, teaching the criminals a lesson in kicking butt and taking names.”

My synopsis: A ‘teenaged’ trio of Asian girls seek revenge on the guys who raped them.

Quick review: It was adult and different, but it still wasn’t any good.

Pros: Asian girls in thigh highs and skirts. The movie tried.

Cons: The soundtrack is atrocious, and the movie was written by an old man who has no idea how young people talk to each other. Or just people, really.

Biggest movie cliché: A corny fight training montage.

Favorite quote: “Like what? Chinese? Japanese? Korean?” “How the fuck should I know? They all look the same.”

Offer some advice: There’s a fairly intense rape scene in this movie, which I don’t recall seeing in any previous Asylum films. The studio should build on heavy scenes like this, and include them in more productions. It would give the company some gravitas.

Say a nice thing: Facesitting.

Say a mean thing: Do you know how easy it would be to beat the shit out of two tiny Asian girls and one chubby one? Super easy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, THE most gratuitous lesbian sex scene in cinematic history.

Final review: This is the most adult movie I’ve ever seen The Asylum attempt. Rape, torture, human trafficking, suicide, etc. Unfortunately, the mature subject matter is still bound by the laws of Asylum films. Terrible acting and terrible dialogue. Which stands out more when you’re making a serious film, not one where giant lobsters fight a Mega dragon. There were some pacing problems as well. For example, the movie stalls once the 30-year-old high school girls become strippers. For a second, I think everybody forgot they were making a movie and just wanted to watch the naked Asians dance. (Understandable.) There was obvious effort, though, and I appreciated that. A commendable, but ultimately failed, endeavor.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharktopus

Title: Sharktopus

Director: Declan O’Brien

Writer: Mike MacLean

Starring: Eric Roberts, Sara Malakul Lane, Kerem Bursin

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A half-shark, half-octopus creature creates terror in Mexico.”

My synopsis: The government engineered a half-shark, half-octopus monster to “go where the Navy can’t…to sneak into hostile waters [and] hunt down drug runners and pirate vessels.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, things go wrong, and it starts murdering everybody.

Quick review: Seth Rogen (and Evan Goldberg) wrote the first draft of Superbad when he was 13-years-old. Any other 13-year-old boy would write this movie. And probably did.

Pros: Where are these beaches in Mexico? There wasn’t one unattractive woman there, and they were doing yoga and rubbing lotion on each other. Would I even be allowed in?

Cons: With the exception of Eric Roberts, this film features arguably the worst collection of actors ever put together on screen.

Least favorite quote: “They’re just boobs. They’re not gonna get up and dance or anything.” That’s not why he’s looking at your tits, you unfunny whore.

Most relatable current event: The Muslim savages in Nigeria who kidnapped those girls. This movie is just as tragic.

Say a nice thing: No.

Say a mean thing: Mike MacLean can take his failed meta-jokes and hang his children with them.

Biggest fall from grace: Eric Roberts.

Final review: I did some research on this film, and found out that after paying Eric Roberts’ fee, the filmmakers had approximately $3.72 left in their budget. They gave all the acting roles to their cousins and in-laws, then stole some boats and cameras and fled to Mexico. For the special effects, they blew a guy at Dilated Pixels. Reggie. The writer, director, producers…all of them. They all blew Reggie. Sometimes they took individual turns blowing him, sometimes they did it together. On a few occasions, I read, while the director was sucking Reggie’s dick, the writer would lick his asshole. The filmmakers did such a fine job making Reggie cum over and over and over again, that he tried his best. The only person involved in this project that did so. Kudos to Reggie, and fuck everyone else with a Sharktopus tentacle. This is an awful movie.

Ranking:

1 bee

Pterodactyl

Title: Pterodactyl

Director: Mark L. Lester

Writer: Mark Sevi

Starring: Cameron Daddo, Amy Sloan, Coolio

Year released: 2005

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): If you don’t know who Coolio is, stop reading now. Also, just kill yourself. You should know who Coolio is.

Their synopsis: “A dormant volcano in the deep Turkish forest holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of ancient dinosaur eggs are finally ready to hatch.”

My synopsis: Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage about pterosaurs.

Quick review: Minute after minute, hour after hour, this movie gets progressively dumber.

Pros: There was a rape joke. A funny one, too. It had me laughing so long, that even my momma thought that my mind was gone.

Cons: Help! I need somebody! To assist Mark Sevi in writing believable, multi-dimensional characters.

Biggest movie cliché: Tell me why I was so blind to see that the two main characters would share a long-awaited kiss at the end of the movie.

Say a nice thing: Amy Sloan did a swell job in this film. I would like to take her out and maybe eat some steak with beans and rice.

Say a racist thing: I absolutely believe the dirty, stupid Armenians as rapists, but no way I buy them being smart enough to speak English. They’re not educated, fool!

Say a creepy thing: I wouldn’t wait until ‘four’ to get Mircea Monroe on the floor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Guns never have to be reloaded in the Pterodactyl universe. You can just grab your gat with the extra clip, close your eyes, and hit the switch.

Most relatable current event: “What’s going on in the kitchen? I don’t know what’s cookin’.”

Final review: Congratulations! You made it this far in one piece! I’m not sure how many consecutive Coolio references the human mind can withstand, but I imagine I’m pushing the limits. Anyway, this movie is basically just people shooting guns at pterodactyls, frequently missing. In between all of this, there’s some trite conversation and predictable story turns. The ending is lunacy, complete with horrendous visual effects. I don’t even think the people who made this film get the ending…and if they can’t understand it, how can they reach me?

Ranking:

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Title: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes

Starring: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Rohm

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum trilogy? If anyone can handle the pressure, it’s Mega Shark.

Their synopsis: “When a new Mega Shark threatens mankind, the government unleashes the top-secret Mecha Shark to defeat the monster in a pitched battle.”

My synopsis: Mega Shark is angry and wants to fuck. The navy, various robot sharks, and an interracial couple try to kill him before everyone in Australia dies.

Quick review: An improvement over the second, but doesn’t best the original.

Pros: The global scope. Mega Shark making Rosie feel bad about herself by indirectly making her responsible for all those deaths. Deborah Gibson’s welcome return.

Cons: “I will speak LOUD-LY and O-VER e-NUN-CI-ATE E-VER-Y-THING I SAY in-STEAD of AC-TING!”

Biggest movie cliché: A child in peril at the worst possible time. Oh, and the kid resembles the main characters’ child who died of cancer, so they just have to save her!

Say a nice thing: I was so happy when Mega Shark knocked the head off the Sphinx. Hilarious and awesome. Also, I’m pretty sure the motorcycle jump was supposed to be humorous.

Say a mean thing: Is there something wrong with Christopher Judge’s head? It’s creepy. It looks like a giant boulder.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Mecha Shark being able to cap an oil spill (Why was that scene even in the movie?) and leap as high as Mega Shark.

Most relatable current event: Donald Sterling would be annoyed with the level of public affection between the white lady and black guy.

Final review: Despite everyone going through bouts of bad acting, a few narrative lapses, and Elisabeth Rohm resembling an ex, I very much enjoyed the third installment of the Mega Shark series. The goofy, impossible sight gags were back, as was Debbie Gibson playing Dr. Emma MacNeil. It was expansive, yet cohesive, and quite entertaining.

Ranking:

3 bees

Sharknado

Title: Sharknado

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Cassie Scerbo, Tara Reid

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The brief Internet popularity (Redundant.) of this movie made everyone at The Asylum cream with excitement. When the sequel comes out later this year, I look forward to seeing if anyone gives two fucks.

Their synopsis: “When a hurricane swamps Los Angeles, thousands of sharks are swept up in tornadoes and deposited all over the city, where they terrorize residents.”

My synopsis: I know exactly what happens, but… I don’t… I mean… What?

Quick review: The stupidity of this film knows no bounds.

Pros: Attractive ladies. Some ran bouncily down the stairs, others got eaten by murderous sharks. One did both.

Cons: Awful editing. At one point, I swear to god, cars are moving backward.

Biggest movie cliché: The absent father trying to make right in a time of crisis.

Say a nice thing: I liked when the guy was openly hitting on his much younger co-worker in front of his daughter and ex-wife.

Say a mean thing: That fucking jew asshole tried to write a USS Indianapolis speech AND took Brody’s “bigger boat” line! I’ll steal a line too then. How about something from Casino? You jew mudderfucker, you!

Say a creepy thing: I wanna lick Nova’s shark scars.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can we not get into this right now? It’ll take all night.

Most relatable current event: Crowdfund Sharknado 2!

Final review: This is how I think it went down… It was a lazy Sunday afternoon for Thunder Levin, so he got high, watched Jaws, got higher, watched Twister, masturbated, got more high, wrote this movie. (Not a bad way to spend an afternoon, I’ll admit.) I think Sharknado got a lot of heat precisely because its premise is so ridiculously absurd, but honestly, this film is par for the course as far as Asylum productions go. Except for when the main character chainsaws his way out of a shark. That was different. But even then, they manage to ruin the scene by bringing back a character long thought dead. If this was the first Asylum movie you ever saw, maybe you’d be compelled to tweet about it, but for the rest of us, it’s nothing special.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

500 MPH Storm

Title: 500 MPH Storm

Director: Daniel Lusko

Writer: K. Lee, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Sarah Lieving, Michael Beach

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I remember this from a few months back. Even seven-year-olds are dubious of The Asylum’s filmic claims.

Their synopsis: “A massive hurricane sweeps cities into the stratosphere and tears a hole in the ozone. Will this be the end for all life on earth?”

My synopsis: Apparently, only one family in the entire United States realizes the world is about to end. They can’t really figure out what to do, so they move around a lot.

Quick review: The “hurricane” didn’t tear the hole in the ozone layer. It was the reactor, which then created a hypercane. Whoever wrote the synopsis does not give one solitary fuck about this movie. Nor should he.

Pros: No jesusy angle like previous bad weather movies I’ve seen.

Cons: Often reminded me of The Happening. I hated the stupid son.

Procon: Sarah Lieving is gorgeous, but she can’t act worth a damn.

Biggest movie cliché: Storms consciously trying to kill the film’s lead actors.

Say a nice thing: The hot air balloon festival looked fun, and it even featured the bee balloons seen at the bottom of this review. Synergy!

Say a mean thing: Instead of leaving his wife and kid to go stop the hypercane, he should’ve left his kid in a ditch, and had lots of sex with his wife.

White people be like: “Oh my gosh, I just have to check out this killer storm!”

Black people be like: “Fuck the reactor, nigga, I’ma blow this bitch up!”

Final review: 500 MPH Storm is in a perpetual, and purposeful, state of chaos. You’re supposed to feel panicked and overwhelmed, just like its characters. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy it. For a number of reasons. The escapes are too neat. Some scenes are too open-ended, losing the sense of urgency and/or claustrophobia. And sometimes the weather just seems too gosh darn nice to be feeling apprehensive. (The acting is pretty lousy, too.) Nothing about the plot really makes any sense, but I didn’t find the movie boring. There’s something to be said for that.

Ranking:

2 bees

Arachnoquake

Title: Arachnoquake

Director: Griff Furst

Writer: Eric Forsberg, Paul A. Birkett

Starring: Bug Hall, Olivia Hardt, Eddie Furlong

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Deadly fire breathing spiders are unearthed after a massive earthquake in New Orleans.”

My synopsis: Large pink spiders, either coming out of the ground or people’s necks, that for some reason can breathe fire, attack New Orleans thanks to fracking. It’s about as dumb as it sounds.

Quick review: Stupid. Sometimes purposely so, sometimes not. Poorly acted.

Pros: The soundtrack. The kid taking creepshots. Schoolgirls dancing on a bus. And Petra. Yummy, yummy Petra…

Cons: Deep Blue Sea thievery. Noise on top of noise on top of noise.

Biggest movie cliché: The perpetual screw-up learns to take some responsibility and saves the day! Huzzah!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: No girls’ softball team has ever been that fuckable.

Say a mean thing: When the girl hit the spider with the bat, I felt like murdering everyone I know. It was enraging.

Say mean things specifically about Tina: Choke that loud bitch out! Don’t let her touch the controls! She almost got Petra hurt! Knock that cunt off the goddamn boat!

Say a creepy thing: I’d fuck Petra if she was my sister.

Most relatable current event: When I went down to New Orleans recently for a bachelor party, and later thought I had gonorrhea. Turns out it was a spider bite. (That last part is not true.)

Final review: At certain points, it sounds as though everyone on the screen is simultaneously shouting or arguing or crying. It’s annoying. The screenplay wasn’t great, or really even good, but the story was fine. It’s not difficult to write a storyline when the main premise is “run away from X.” However, you can’t run forever. Eventually, you must kill X (in this case, giant spiders) and the last 10 minutes are an excellent example of how not to write this ending. Why would the spiders shut down like they were computers? It doesn’t make sense, and worse than that, it’s fucking lazy. Overall, I was sort of entertained by this dumb film, though I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because I like New Orleans, or maybe it’s because it reminded me of The Walking Dead. Whatever the reason, I still don’t recommend watching it.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Atlantic Rim

Title: Atlantic Rim

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: David Chokachi, Jackie Moore, Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I really enjoyed Pacific Rim, which was basically a $200 million B movie. Perhaps foolishly, my expectations are high.

Their synopsis: “When giant monsters crawl out of the Atlantic Ocean and attack the Eastern Seaboard, the U.S. government is forced to trust A.I. robots to defend the country.”

My synopsis: I don’t think it’s “A.I.” if humans are piloting the robots. Which they did, fighting sea monsters who are born under oil rigs. Then one of them did the Tony Stark from The Avengers and saved the world.

Quick review: The special effects were quite good, my only issue was they didn’t go far enough. The acting should have been CGI’d as well.

Pros: David Chokachi’s character liked to get drunk and annoy his girlfriend.

Cons: The street toughs at the beginning of the movie were laughable with their chains and talk of “Cali kush.” The monsters look suspiciously like dragons.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangle. Will she choose the sensitive one or the bad boy?

Say a nice thing: It was pretty badass when the submarine came flying out of the water and crashed into the aircraft carrier, exploding and sinking it.

Say a mean thing: Everybody salutes like a fucking pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What was with Treach saving the little white girl while simultaneously sounding like a pedophile? Nothing about that scene made any sense.

Most relatable current event: The new Godzilla movie!! Fuck yeah!!!

Final review: Everything about the final battle in New York City was embarrassing, aside from the special effects. Usually in this kind of movie, it’s the opposite. You save your best for last. Overall though, the movie wasn’t terrible. Poorly portrayed one-dimensional characters reciting lame dialogue, but it was visually well-done and mostly well-edited. Had a good action-movie pace. I’m surprised I was not (completely) let down.

Ranking:

2.5 bees