Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

Piranhaconda

Title: Piranhaconda

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean

Starring: Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Michael Madsen

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Somehow, this is the sequel to Sharktopus.

Their synopsis: “Life imitates art when a horror film crew encounters a half fish, half snake monster!”

My synopsis: Bad actresses with big tits get eaten by a large fish-headed serpent. Something about ransom.

Quick review: I’m not sure it’s worse than Sharktopus, but I’m also not sure it’s better.

Pros: Very attractive women.

Cons: Mike MacLean wrote it. He should have his goddamn hands chopped off.

Biggest movie cliché: The scientist’s theft of the creature’s egg turns out to be a bad idea.

Least favorite quote: Stop saying, “Leilani!”

Say a nice thing: I hate to admit this, but I actually smiled at one of the meta-jokes. It wasn’t out of amusement, but out of “I can’t believe you just said that. You son of a bitch…”

Say a mean thing: I’d rather have somebody cut my ear off and set me on fire than watch this movie again.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I can’t believe how much I like the Piranhaconda’s theme song. I should be shot. The Sharktopus has a theme song too, which I apparently overlooked. Also quite catchy.

Most relatable current event: New Jersey’s stealth anaconda.

Final review: The more I review this movie, the more I realize I basically just rewatched Sharktopus. That’s why this counts as the sequel, because it’s just as painfully dreadful. The same awful meta-jokes, the same horrible acting, the same ending, the same rage slowly building inside me. Perhaps the only reason I don’t hate it as much as its predecessor is because I haven’t watched a godawful B movie in about a month, and I don’t remember how annoyed I should be.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Sharktopus

Title: Sharktopus

Director: Declan O’Brien

Writer: Mike MacLean

Starring: Eric Roberts, Sara Malakul Lane, Kerem Bursin

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A half-shark, half-octopus creature creates terror in Mexico.”

My synopsis: The government engineered a half-shark, half-octopus monster to “go where the Navy can’t…to sneak into hostile waters [and] hunt down drug runners and pirate vessels.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, things go wrong, and it starts murdering everybody.

Quick review: Seth Rogen (and Evan Goldberg) wrote the first draft of Superbad when he was 13-years-old. Any other 13-year-old boy would write this movie. And probably did.

Pros: Where are these beaches in Mexico? There wasn’t one unattractive woman there, and they were doing yoga and rubbing lotion on each other. Would I even be allowed in?

Cons: With the exception of Eric Roberts, this film features arguably the worst collection of actors ever put together on screen.

Least favorite quote: “They’re just boobs. They’re not gonna get up and dance or anything.” That’s not why he’s looking at your tits, you unfunny whore.

Most relatable current event: The Muslim savages in Nigeria who kidnapped those girls. This movie is just as tragic.

Say a nice thing: No.

Say a mean thing: Mike MacLean can take his failed meta-jokes and hang his children with them.

Biggest fall from grace: Eric Roberts.

Final review: I did some research on this film, and found out that after paying Eric Roberts’ fee, the filmmakers had approximately $3.72 left in their budget. They gave all the acting roles to their cousins and in-laws, then stole some boats and cameras and fled to Mexico. For the special effects, they blew a guy at Dilated Pixels. Reggie. The writer, director, producers…all of them. They all blew Reggie. Sometimes they took individual turns blowing him, sometimes they did it together. On a few occasions, I read, while the director was sucking Reggie’s dick, the writer would lick his asshole. The filmmakers did such a fine job making Reggie cum over and over and over again, that he tried his best. The only person involved in this project that did so. Kudos to Reggie, and fuck everyone else with a Sharktopus tentacle. This is an awful movie.

Ranking:

1 bee

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Dinocroc

Title: Dinocroc

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Dan Acre, Frances Doel, John Huckert

Starring: Jane Longenecker, Matthew Borlenghi, Costas Mandylor, Charles Napier

Year released: 2004

Their synopsis: “A crocodile grows to titanic proportions when injected with accelerated-growth hormones and starts terrorizing a small town.”

My synopsis: Science creates a badass, child-murdering super crocodile. A group of people want to “destroy it” because it’s “killing everyone.” Psh…

Quick review: I almost didn’t watch this several times, until I finally decided to just get it over with. Wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.

Pros: That Dinocroc was really fucking people up. He wasn’t messing around.

Cons: That was some pretty dreadful acting. Also, the dramatic music is insufferable. We get it, it’s an action sequence. Not sure why there are monks chanting in Latin.

Biggest movie cliché: Surprisingly, the foolhardy plan to take out the monster with excess firepower didn’t work.

Say a nice thing: Haha, mere mortals! You cannot kill Dinocroc! He lives to eat again!

Say a mean thing: A rampaging Dinocroc is sort of like the Arab-Israeli conflict. It’s only bad news if you care about the people being killed. I had no such worries, so go monster!

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: The little kid died while his brother was fucking the dog catcher.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why does the crocodile hunter think his shitty rifle is a bazooka?

Most relatable current event: I’m always sort of afraid I’ll accidentally do this to a girl when we’re having sex.

Final review: Not sure how much I can add to my collection of pithy comments above. It was poorly acted and maudlin, but I didn’t hate it. Though I would advise against voluntarily watching it. However, if you are ever forced to watch it at gunpoint, I promise it won’t be so bad.

Ranking:

2.5 bees