Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

Road Wars

Title: Road Wars

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Cole Parker, John Freeman, Chloe Farnworth

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’ve already seen Mad Max: Fury Road twice. It’s fantastic.

Their synopsis: “After the earth’s water supply is depleted, the survivors form roving road gangs…But when a new breed of blood-drinking humans emerges, the survivors must contend with a whole new threat to their existence.”

My synopsis: An amnesiac meets a band of desert survivors that resemble a college catalog photo.

Quick review: The Walking Desert. Hahaha!

Pros: The Max-ian tradition of sawed-off shotguns.

Cons: These people are displaying the worst use of limited resources ever.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Women wandering dystopian deserts still need their insecurities assuaged by meaningless platitudes.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure which is worse, stealing “daywalkers” from Blade, or stealing nunchuk zombie fighting from Geoff Meed. (Just kidding, I know which is worse.)

Least favorite quote: “Alright, look… There’s gotta be another way out of here.” What, you mean besides all those windows, you fucking asshole?

Say a nice thing: I approve of who died and who did not die at the end of this film.

Say a racist thing: If, in mankind’s future, it comes down to white women dating black men, I’d rather us all be dead.

Biggest movie cliché: You say this guy’s immune to the disease, and you’re gonna try to use his blood to develop an antidotal serum? Get right outta town!

Most relatable current event: Seriously, Fury Road is aces. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading this horseshit and go. Avoid paying extra for 3D, however. As it’s all live-action stunts and not CGI, there isn’t a great deal enhanced by the added dimension. You’re welcome.

Final review: You know how sometimes The Walking Dead is fucking awesome, but other times it’s the most insufferable television program ever to be filmed? This movie is similar to the latter, only it’s ninety minutes long, and everyone is dressed like they just left the Gothic Asshole. I caught glimpses of Mark Atkins’ vision during this film, glimpses that were ultimately undone by the hodgepodge of weak storylines and boring gunfights. (And the infighting! Always with the infighting!) Are we fighting marauders or developing a serum or rediscovering our past? I’d rather do none of those and go watch Fury Road for a third time.

Ranking:

2.5 bees