Attila

Title: Attila

Director: Emmanuel Itier

Writer: Emmanuel Itier, Anthony C. Ferrante

Starring: Cheick Kongo, Chris Conrad, M. Steven Felty

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): They’re referring to its star as “UFC Champion Cheick Kongo.” I guess because saying “former UFC Gatekeeper Cheick Kongo” isn’t as cool.

Their synopsis: “When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened, and the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to get back what is his.”

My synopsis: An ancient warrior starts killing everyone; a team of soldiers doesn’t know what to do. They should’ve just put him on his back. Kongo can’t fight off his back.

Quick review: A complete “Fuck you.” to history that started off promising, but went nowhere.

Pros: Cheick Kongo! From the trees, bitch! He’s a bad motherfucker in this.

Cons: That stupid bitch and her “gum” game. Cheick Kongo’s mask and retarded growling sounds. The secretive, scheming general.

Biggest movie cliché: A soldier tormented by his past.

Favorite quote: “Professor, I don’t give a shit what it is or where it’s been. Now you can pry it off, you can fry it off, or you can fuck it off. Okay? I don’t care!”

Say a nice thing: That one girl was cute. Some of the lines were kind of funny or well-written.

Say a mean thing: I wanted the general’s cancer to be contagious, so everyone would have to suffer as much as I did watching this movie.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I thought it was bad when a nomadic warrior from the 5th century knew how to drain the gas line on a humvee, but then I watched the last 15 minutes of the movie. So stupid…

Most relatable current event: Cheick Kongo losing to Vitaly Minakov. If he can’t beat Minakov, how’s he going to beat Attila the Hun?

Final review: I’d say the first third of the film is pretty good. It’s not like you don’t know where the movie’s going, but it’s interesting enough and the dialogue is solid. Unfortunately, this encouraging start quickly dissolves into, “How about we run around in circles, then go back inside?” Not to mention the massive plot holes, and additional characters, which seem to cripple the screenwriters’ ability to write credible, listenable dialogue. Finally, if you weren’t already annoyed, the incomprehensible finale to this film is a swift kick of stupidity right to the genitals. Makes you envious of the real Attila on his wedding night. History!

Ranking:

2 bees

Cleaver Family Reunion

Title: Cleaver Family Reunion

Director: H.M. Coakley

Writer: H.M. Coakley

Starring: Trae Ireland, Sandy Simmons, Efé

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m probably going to say something racist.

Their synopsis: “A delightfully dysfunctional family settles their differences after a series of hilarious misadventures surrounding their annual family reunion.”

My synopsis: All the different character types are represented in the Cleaver family, but I’ll be goddamned if I don’t want to be invited to the next party they’re having. (Also, it wasn’t a family reunion. That’s racist!)

Quick review: Pure formula, but it was funny.

Pros: This movie proves black people are more interesting than white people.

Cons: I want everyone at the table to stop! making! emotional! speeches!

Biggest movie cliché: A wacky, straight-shootin’, no-nonsense grandma who tells it like it is! Mmm-hmm!

Favorite quotes: “How is Sunshine short for Sun Shine?” and Grandma Bertha saying, “My nigga!” and “Nigga please!” (The best part is [Spoiler alert!] Grandma Bertha turns out to be a white lady.)

Say a nice thing: H.M. Coakley making this look so easy fucks Tyler Perry’s shit right up. That next shitty Madea movie better win an Oscar or something.

Say a mean thing: You won’t be pregnant for long after breathing in all that pesticide, Stacy.

Most relatable current event: Whichever white person got caught saying nigga most recently.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The down-home, Podunk Texas town is really nice and there were white people drinking at the bar.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: There’s a character named Khadijah. The successful black guy dates a white girl. They eat chicken and collard greens for dinner. They go to church. They play basketball. One of them’s on house arrest. (“They” being the Cleavers, of course…)

Final review: Holy blue lord did I think this movie would be shit. Thankfully, I was way off. The filmmakers didn’t fully commit to the conceit (The shameful, country family was actually pretty well-off, for example.) and every single person just had to have their epiphany. The plot played out exactly like I thought it would, but I laughed out loud several times, and enjoyed watching the Cleavers interact. It’s easily the funniest Asylum movie I’ve ever seen. Well-acted too. I’m on the Melvin Gregg bandwagon and I would marry Justine Herron tomorrow.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perverse side note: I screencapped this because I’m a creep and generally not a good person.

Pirates of Treasure Island

Title: Pirates of Treasure Island

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt, Leigh Scott

Starring: Tom Nagel, Rebekah Kochan, Lance Henriksen

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “After stumbling upon a map to buried treasure, an innkeeper’s son enlists the help of infamous pirate Long John Silver and his crew.”

My synopsis: A boring guy gets hold of a treasure map, kills a pirate, never fucks the hot blonde who’s into him, decides to go on more adventures, becomes slightly less boring.

Quick review (of the first 5 minutes): The pirates are old queens, and they run away from a giant beetle.

Pros: Not sure this qualifies as a pro, but are there still Long John Silver’s fast-food joints around? I was just wondering. I haven’t eaten at one in over 20 years. I think I got sick once as a kid and never went back.

Cons: The fruity Frenchman’s ridiculous accent.

Biggest movie cliché: Dueling shadows during a sword fighting scene.

Least favorite quote: The infamous, dying pirate’s last words were, “Just remember this, it takes twenty-six muscles in your face to frown, and only five to smile.” No pirate ever said anything this faggoty.

Say a nice thing: I would like to sail on that fuck boat they set up at the end of the movie.

Say a mean thing: They didn’t show it, but those drunk pirates totally raped those girls.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cutting with the wrong side of a knife. The cannon. Cannonballs exploding. Wenches being mercenaries. I didn’t buy for a second the Chinese lady not being a lady. And I’m still not sure why you need giant beetles in a pirate movie.

Final review: Apparently, the allure of a pirate’s life at sea is the only thing that keeps Leigh Scott from putting horny lesbians in his movies. The beginning was abysmal, but it got better after that. A few critical scenes were either rushed or poorly edited to make the film 90 minutes, and the acting wasn’t particularly inspiring, but you could easily do a worse adaptation of the Robert Louis Stevenson classic.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

2-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 2-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter, H. Perry Horton

Starring: Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell, Brooke Hogan, David Gallegos

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Terror takes a ghastly form when a gigantic two-headed shark sinks a ship full of students, and the survivors wash up on a tiny atoll.”

My synopsis: A gross misunderstanding of what ‘Semester at Sea’ actually means, leads to a bunch of morons getting eaten by a large shark that has two functional heads. Because sure, why not?

Quick review: It’s never a good sign when Brooke Hogan is one of your film’s better actors.

Pros: Pretty girls in bikinis. A monster killing all of the stupid humans.

Cons: Enough. With. The screaming! And Charlie O’Connell makes his brother look like Brando.

Biggest movie cliché: Anything that’s ever happened in any shark movie ever.

Say a nice thing: I liked the guy who was only concerned with having a threesome. There’s a man with his priorities in order.

Say a mean thing: The script supervisor for this film should be impaled on a spike.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The kiss between Carmen Electra and Charlie O’Connell at the end of the film was unconscionably bad. Also, how does an enormous shark not beach itself in three feet of water? And did it somehow remove its fin for this shallow attack? Lazy.

Most relatable current event: “…there had been a ‘loud impact and noise’ before the vessel started sinking.” Let me guess…

Final review: The film occasionally played up the fact that it was a dumb movie about sexy college kids and a killer shark with two heads. Some of the scenes with Carmen Electra prove this, as well as multiple scenes showing the interesting ways a two-headed shark might be able to eat people. However, a lot of the shark attack scenes were deadly serious, which is a problem when they’re also nonsensical and poorly shot. It really annoyed me how careless this movie tended to get. It’s as if the filmmakers were unaware of the concept of storyboarding. The editing wasn’t much better. How do you fuck up so bad making a popcorn flick about a deformed monster shark eating chicks with big tits?

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

American Warships

Title: American Warships (It was American Battleship, until they got sued.)

Director: Thunder Levin

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Johanna Watts, Nikki McCauley, Carl Weathers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: The Netflix synopsis is kind of cunty, and I don’t care for it at all. We’re just going with mine. Please see below.

My synopsis: Aliens with a surprisingly in-depth knowledge of international politics try to start World War III. The USS Iowa, set to be decommissioned, is our planet’s only hope.

Quick review: The Asylum doesn’t have $100 million to spend on special effects for a Navy versus aliens film, so they had to write a way around it. They did a fine job.

Pros: Mario Van Peebles is excellent, but overall the acting is hit or miss. I was impressed by the plot development, and expected the aliens to be stupider in appearance than they were.

Cons: I call bullshit on that VCR sighting, and the alien warship looks like an enemy tank from Spectre. Also, they should’ve had Carl Weathers doing something more than pushing pencils.

Biggest movie cliché: Unnecessary love story.

Favorite quote: After a brief pause and zoom, Mario Van Peebles’ character says, “They’re not gonna sink my battleship.” The fact that he makes this line somehow not completely ridiculous is a testament to his acting ability.

Say a nice thing: Considering Battleship’s budget was hundreds of times larger than American Warships’, I’m going to call American Warships a better movie.

Say an anti-Semitic thing: Hebes are so uninteresting they can’t even sound cool when their first name is “Thunder.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: For a more believable scene, have the Korean pilots speaking Korean; the subtitles were there anyway. You did it for the Chinese pilots, for fuck sake.

Most relatable current event: Whatever papier-mache missile North Korea most recently shot 74 yards into the Sea of Japan.

Final review: The dialogue wasn’t great, but the plot was very cleverly written. It’s almost as if someone took a little time and thought it out. Even researched, perhaps. This is a rare occurrence amongst Asylum films, whose MO tends to be, “Just make it a fucking dragon! I don’t care! Hurry up!” Don’t get me wrong, there’s a decent amount of eye-rolling to be had, but fish also swim in the sea, you jackass. What’d you expect?

Ranking:

3 bees

Dragon

Title: Dragon

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Leigh Scott, Eliza Swenson

Starring: Amelia Jackson-Gray, Matthew Wolf, Jon-Paul Gates

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Wow, an Asylum movie with dragons. Shocking…

Their synopsis: “Princess Alora Vanir embarks on a secret mission to stop the dark elves from the Forest of Sidhe, who have declared war on mankind.”

My synopsis: A princess and some commoners, all trying to speak with accents, travel through a light brush to kill a dragon or get to a city or stop a war or something. They meet a witch and fight people in blackface.

Quick review: Mostly involved people standing around oak trees, talking about destiny and honor. It was like watching a debate team LARP.

Pros: There was only one dragon. And it died. (Spoiler alert.)

Cons: The fight scenes were as awful as the acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Dragons.

Say a nice thing: Leigh Scott, a noted fan of lesbianism, kept his urges subtle. This gave the witch and her servant character dimension, and kept them from being just two sluts who scissor in the forest. (Though that also would’ve added to the film.)

Say a mean thing: Seriously, fuck dragons.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nobody would fight an enormous, evil, fire-breathing dragon by gently prodding in its general direction with a sword.

Final review: The concepts and dialogue were unoriginal and stale, the pace dragged, the actors were trying much too hard, and I’m certain it was filmed in somebody’s backyard. Other than that it was fine. A fairly standard olde-timey, slay-the-menacing-dragon adventure B movie.

Ranking:

2 bees

Tale of the Mummy

Title: Russell Mulcahy’s Tale of the Mummy

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Writer: Russell Mulcahy, Keith Williams, John Esposito

Starring: Louise Lombard, Jason Scott Lee, Sean Pertwee

Year released: 1998

Their synopsis: “When an archaeological expedition opens an ancient Egyptian tomb, the unimaginable evil of a cursed pharaoh is unleashed.”

My synopsis: A nefarious Egyptian toilet paper monster tries to resurrect itself in London.

Quick review: Eight years before Mulcahy made this shit about mummies, he made this shit about mummies.

Pros: Louise Lombard looks like an older version of present-day Miley Cyrus.

Cons: If I tried for a month, I’m not sure I could come up with lamer ways for the mummy to kill people. Also, poor character development.

Biggest movie cliché: Are there any mummies that don’t have curses attached to them?

Say a nice thing: I was pretty sure I had this movie pegged, but there’s a clever little twist toward the end.

Say a mean thing: The least frightening mummy ever. It looked like a large Down syndrome child.

Best cameo: “Fuck your mother, that’s Gerard Butler!” is an exact thing that I said.

Most relatable current event: Much like the mummy was killing people for their organs, Egyptians are still killing each other for…something?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That was a shoehorned romance if ever there was one.

Final review: I’m not sure why Mulcahy decided to retry his hand at a mummy movie with that Hallmark crap, cause this one isn’t terrible. The special effects are thoroughly absurd, but it’s manageable apart from that. I’d go so far as to say it was “almost good.” I suppose Mulcahy is just really into Egyptology, which will eventually be his downfall as a filmmaker. Should’ve quit while you were ahead, Russell…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

The Terminators

Title: The Terminators

Director: Xavier S. Puslowski

Writer: David Michael Latt, William Morey, Jose Prendes

Starring: Lauren Walsh, A (Adolph) Martinez, Paul Logan

Year released: 2009

Initial racist thoughts (Pre-screening): Perhaps an even worse title than Transmorphers. How did this thieving polack not get sued for directing this?

Their synopsis: “When an army of violent TR’s -laborer cyborgs from outer space- make their way to Earth, all hell breaks loose.”

My synopsis: Violent laborer cyborgs from outer space did indeed make their way to Earth, but the only hell was having to watch it.

Quick review: There isn’t a single believable character in this film, and they’re all portrayed by terrible actors. This is an excruciating combination.

Pros: Uh… Infidelity, I suppose. And that a lot of people got killed. Everyone should have.

Cons: Hey, fuckface. You know how that one guy’s not an evil robot? Cause every single other one looks exactly the same, and he doesn’t look like that. Imbecile…

Big suspension of disbelief: I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a worse “hot-wiring the car” scene.

Say a nice thing: I was happy when the douchebag with the ponytail got shot.

Say another racist thing: This shyster polack will steal from anybody. James Cameron. George Lucas. Stanley Kubrick. It doesn’t matter. I’d ask if Puslowski had any shame, but he’s a dirty pole, so I know he doesn’t.

Bigger suspension of disbelief: If you’re in a decimated Los Angeles, and you hear on the radio that over a dozen other US cities have likewise been destroyed, just drive to Mexico. Problem solved.

Most relatable current event: When that one guy stood on a stool, and had his two friends pick up the stool and turn it so he could reinstall the light bulb that had burned out.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: All of the characters and all of the things they do.

Final review: Ill-conceived on every cinematic level. The story made absolutely no sense, and didn’t even really try. Had they realized they had nothing, and tried to make it kind of silly, it probably would’ve turned out alright.  Instead, it’s an unwatchable mess of dog shit.

Ranking:

1 bee

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Title: Journey to the Center of the Earth

Director: Scott Wheeler, Davey Jones

Writer: Scott Wheeler, Davey Jones, Scott Bevilacqua

Starring: Jennifer (Renee) Dorogi, Greg Evigan, Dedee Pfeiffer

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “A research team becomes lost within the Earth and must escape the beautiful -and potentially deadly- world before them.”

My synopsis: For unexplained reasons, a group of female soldiers is being teleported to Germany. They get stuck 600 kilometers underground, and a laser-digging ship called the “Deep Digger” is sent to rescue them. (I’m serious, that’s the plot.)

Quick review: Another Jules Verne adaptation from The Asylum. While the story may stray further from the source material than the other film, it was still engaging and well done.

Pros: Pretty gals in tank tops. Dinosaurs.

Cons: The sound mixing is horrible. One second it’s way too loud, the next you can’t hear the dialogue.

Biggest movie cliché: Guess what dinosaur meat tastes like? … Yep. Chicken. Also, the ex-husband and wife got back together at the end of the movie.

Say a nice thing: The spiders exploding out of the stomach of that girl at the end was a nice touch.

Say a piggish thing: There’s not a slit in this film I wouldn’t dump my cum into.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somehow, no one at Asylum managed to squeeze a dragon into this movie. That’s pretty unbelievable. They did, however, put in their second favorite mythical creature: a giant spider.

Final review: Pretty enjoyable film if you don’t stop and ask yourself too many questions. “Wait, how’d they fix the ship?” “Wait, how’d she get away? That plot point wasn’t resolved.” This is the B movie world. Things happen, and the story moves on. Sometimes it’s infuriating and nonsensical, sometimes it works. Journey to the Center of the Earth made it work.

Ranking:

3 bees