Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Clash of the Empires

Title: Clash of the Empires (Also known as: Lord of the Elves)

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Sum Korng, Khom Lyly, Srogn

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Via IMDB Trivia: “Originally titled ‘Age of the Hobbits’ until Warner Bros/New Line Cinema, MGM and Saul Zaentz sued The Asylum.” Haha.

Their synopsis: “In an ancient age, peace-loving tribe are enslaved by a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young tribesman Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies.”

My synopsis: Rock people kidnap some tree people, then a stone-headed black guy and a hot Asian chick help the remaining tree people save their brethren.

Quick review: I swear to god, this may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s historically terrible, but nonstop laughs. It’s a masterpiece of shit.

Pros: The dubbed American voices are hysterical. Not sure if the actors’ English was that harsh, or the producers just didn’t care for the high-pitched midget voice.

More pros: The “dragons” are giant komodo dragons. I can accept this. Also, the return of giant spiders!

Biggest movie cliché: The obstinate tribal chief is a bit of a pill, huh? I’ll bet he never changes his ways in the nick of time!

Favorite quote: “Earth Mother, thank you for your goodness.” “All the same! …To me!” And a plethora of others. The shoddily dubbed-in voices are so fantastic.

Say a nice thing: Bai Ling is gorgeous. How is she almost 50?

Say a crass thing: Omi wants to fuck Amthar so bad, but his dick’s probably bigger than her body. I don’t see how that’s going to work physically.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure how the constant, sharp bursts of laughter didn’t puncture my lungs.

Most relatable current event: AirAsia Flight 8501 crashed in Indonesia. That is an apt comparison.

Final review: I’m fairly certain they didn’t intend to make the best worst film ever, but this has it all. There’s a hot chick, midgets, godawful dialogue, horrible editing, hilarious voice dubbing, embarrassingly bad fight sequences, mythical creatures, abysmal acting, emotional strikeouts, ludicrous plot turns, and so much more. Normally, I reserve the higher rankings for movies that are actually decent, but Clash of the Empires is such a catastrophic abortion of awesomeness that it deserves the highest ranking I can give. Congratulations to all parties involved! You’ve got quite a failure on your hands!

Ranking:

4 bees

Dragon

Title: Dragon

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Leigh Scott, Eliza Swenson

Starring: Amelia Jackson-Gray, Matthew Wolf, Jon-Paul Gates

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Wow, an Asylum movie with dragons. Shocking…

Their synopsis: “Princess Alora Vanir embarks on a secret mission to stop the dark elves from the Forest of Sidhe, who have declared war on mankind.”

My synopsis: A princess and some commoners, all trying to speak with accents, travel through a light brush to kill a dragon or get to a city or stop a war or something. They meet a witch and fight people in blackface.

Quick review: Mostly involved people standing around oak trees, talking about destiny and honor. It was like watching a debate team LARP.

Pros: There was only one dragon. And it died. (Spoiler alert.)

Cons: The fight scenes were as awful as the acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Dragons.

Say a nice thing: Leigh Scott, a noted fan of lesbianism, kept his urges subtle. This gave the witch and her servant character dimension, and kept them from being just two sluts who scissor in the forest. (Though that also would’ve added to the film.)

Say a mean thing: Seriously, fuck dragons.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nobody would fight an enormous, evil, fire-breathing dragon by gently prodding in its general direction with a sword.

Final review: The concepts and dialogue were unoriginal and stale, the pace dragged, the actors were trying much too hard, and I’m certain it was filmed in somebody’s backyard. Other than that it was fine. A fairly standard olde-timey, slay-the-menacing-dragon adventure B movie.

Ranking:

2 bees