Title: Grimm’s Snow White
Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman
Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March
Year released: 2012
Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.
Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”
My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”
Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.
Pros: Dungeon sex.
Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…
Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.
Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.
Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…
Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.
Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.
Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.
Ranking:
2 bees
The B Movie Review 