Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sherlock Holmes

Title: Sherlock Holmes

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Ben Syder, Gareth David-Lloyd, Dominic Keating

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): It’s going off Netflix in a week! Hurry!! While you still have time!!!

Their synopsis: “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London.”

My synopsis: Holmes and Watson have to figure out why Londoners are seeing monsters. And by monsters, I don’t mean other hideous-looking, late 19th-century Londoners.

Quick review: I suppose it was decent enough.

Pros: They didn’t completely butcher the idea of Sherlock Holmes.

Cons: The five minutes of Dr. Watson partially descending a mountain face has to rank as one of the most pointless scenes in Asylum history. Clumsily done and immeasurably worthless.

Biggest movie cliché: Don’t worry, all the Sherlock Holmes catchphrases are ever so discreetly jammed into your auditory canal.

Favorite quote: “Sensationalist claptrap!” Perhaps The Asylum should consider changing its name.

Say a nice thing: Miss Ivory can take a good choking. I like her.

Say a mean thing: Compared to Benedict Cumberbatch, Ben Syder portrays Sherlock Holmes with the grace of a sugar-addled retarded child trying to lick his shoulder blades.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are you serious? How and why is there a fucking dragon in this?! Goddammit…

Most relatable current event: The latest on BBC’s Sherlock.

Final review: The character of Sherlock Holmes takes an event which seems supernatural or impossible, and logically explains how such a mystery could happen, via his superior intellect. Thankfully, The Asylum understands this. I was worried for a second. The plot is still really stupid, don’t get me wrong, but at least there wasn’t an actual Kraken that Sherlock Holmes had to fight. Although, the ending chase scene featuring a hot air balloon/helicopter with a machine gun trying to shoot down a giant robot dragon may be worse. I haven’t decided. Overall, I expected it to be worse than it was. Recasting Sherlock and rewriting the villain’s motivations would have improved the film greatly.

Ranking:

2.5 bees