12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Martian Land

Title: Martian Land

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Alan Polack-name, Jennifer Dorogi, Lane Townsend

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m annoyed that I can’t find any new Asylum films to review on Netflix. Also, The Martian is excellent. (Finally, Ridley Scott!)

Their synopsis: “In the distant future, mankind lives on Mars…When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

My synopsis: A big ass storm threatens to destroy our new Martian civilization. This ridiculous, yet fun idea is thoroughly trampled by inept filmmaking.

Quick review: Jesus fucking christ on a cross this is horrible.

Pros: Mars is cool. Literally!

Cons: Mars New York (MNY) and Mars Los Angeles (MLA). How fucking uninspired.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangles are so distracting.

Least favorite quote: “Blah blah, stealing Matt Damon’s line from The Martian’s trailer, blah.”

Say a nice thing: The cute, understated lesbian couple should have been given more screen time. They weren’t abysmal.

Say a mean thing: Dionne Neish’s accent in this is fucking enraging. Does she really talk like that?

Ruin a nice thing that you said: Of course Mars is wet! Ellie and Ida are out there sloshin’ around in each other’s boxes!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They stole from Armageddon! Are you fucking serious?! They actively stole from Armageddon! Michael Bay’s Armageddon!! Goddammit!!

Most relatable current event: Unlike this pulseless movie, Mars may have supported life.

Final review: I was not having a great day when I decided to review this film, and motherfucking jesus christ did it get worse. When I reviewed AVH, released in 2007, I wrote that The Asylum has “certainly gotten better over the years in terms of production value and special effects.” This film is a regression. It feels like an early Asylum production. All parts of it are equally horrendous. The costumes are as bad as the settings, which are as bad as the dialogue, acting, plot, editing, effects, etc. The whole movie just happens. It’s forgettable and pointless. And let us not forget that of all the films involving space, these assholes chose to rip off Armageddon. Just embarrassing.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Stonados

Title: Stonados

Director: Jason Bourque

Writer: Rafael Jordan

Starring: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Miranda Frigon

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I tried to review this awhile ago, watched the first nine minutes, then said, “Nah, fuck this.” Let’s try again.

Their synopsis: “All hail breaks loose when tornadoes hurl large stones over Boston.”

My synopsis: A cute cop, an egocentric weatherman, and an absentee teacher drive around greater Boston warning people of a ridiculous weather phenomenon.

Quick review: The telegraphed action sequences are beyond dreadful, but the rest is surprisingly decent.

Pros: That old bag o’ bones really likes to say “damn.”

Cons: Shouldn’t that teacher (and his kids) be in class? Also, the “scientific” explain of the stonados was horseshit.

Biggest movie cliché: We’ll limit it to the godawful action clichés once our heroes were in the Metro News van. Or the news station being called something as generic as “Metro News.”

Ask a mean question: Is Jessica McLeod going bald, or does she just have a gigantic forehead?

Say a nice thing: Boston is an absolutely lovely city…

Say a mean thing: …full of racist imbeciles with cacophonous accents.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The most unrealistic game of basketball between two black guys ever put on film.

Most relatable current event: I didn’t know England had tornadoes.

Final review: Well, maybe decent is too strong a word. The story is decidedly average, but it’s almost believable. The characters are also as superficial as can be humanly written, but they’re not woefully acted. (The single father has trouble dealing with his teenage daughter? Aw, man! That’s tough, you guys!) Ultimately, what’s mostly shitty about this movie is that it’s an action film, with some of the worst action scenes imaginable. Not ideal. If you’re not going to spend any time on the plot, at least make sure some aspect of the film is entertaining. There is more than a hint of Twister in this movie, as well. Inadvisable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): A nine-year-old told me it was good. I have certain expectations because of this.

Their synopsis: “When a mass of Sharknadoes threatens America’s East Coast…Fin must again risk his life to save his children on spring break…”

My synopsis: The somehow-not-quite-depleted population of sharks on Earth gets, once again, trapped within various natural disasters that threaten America’s Atlantic coast.

Quick review: Entertaining scenes do not an entertaining movie make.

Pros: Some lucky shark literally ate Maria Menounos’s pussy.

Cons: The whole ‘shark on the roller coaster’ bit was moronic, and Fin’s astronaut song is the gayest song ever recorded.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky celebrity cameos! So many… wacky… celebrity… cameos… Ugh.

Least favorite quote: “They’re made for each other.” They’re most certainly not, Claudia! He’s black and she’s white, for crying out loud!!

Say a nice thing: God, I’ve missed you, Nova.

Say a mean thing: Tara Reid’s mom is a cunt. Her character’s mother, that is. Not her real mom for keeping her. Well…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A delicious teenage girl forgetting she has a cell phone.

Most relatable current event: The first of many eye-rollingly blatant product placements is Subway. Subway’s preeminent spokesperson for the last 15 years was recently outed as a pedophile.

Final review: Since Sharknado 4 is already a go, I’d like to make some suggestions to Thunder Levin, who is unclear on the concept of “oversaturation.” Lose. The. Celebrity. Cameos. David Hasselhoff (who was actually good) as Fin’s astronaut dad only works if there aren’t four thousand other celebrities preceding him. Also, write an actual movie, not just a collection of scenes. I know a cogent narrative isn’t exactly what this film’s about, but still… Kudos on the ending, though. The final ten minutes is, amazingly, more ridiculous than Sharknado 2’s finale. I was not sure that could be done. Impressively ludicrous.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

Age of Ice

Title: Age of Ice

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Emile Edwin Smith

Starring: Barton Bund, Bailey Spry, Jules Hartley, Joe Cipriano

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Almost done with all 2014 Asylum releases.

Their synopsis: “Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures…a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age…”

My synopsis: A guy with rage issues tries to save his family (the same family he most likely beats mercilessly) when a snowstorm hits what is clearly not the Middle East.

Quick review: Watched with a furrowed brow.

Pros: How fucking fun would it be to roll down a snow-covered Great Pyramid? Especially to do it, and miraculously not be covered in any snow whatsoever.

Cons: Visually, this movie is moronic. It’s moronic in several ways, to be sure, but its visuals really stand out as brainless.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Good thing that random Arab guy was driving a brand new (Toyota) production van so you could all fit. Also, did that fucking asshole really just throw everybody’s phones in the snow (Ruining them, obviously.) to act as some impossible-to-see-with-the-human-eye runway lights? That was so stupid.

Favorite quote: “It’s just like LAX on a Monday morning, right?” This may actually be a decent meta-joke about how embarrassingly bad the “Cairo” airport scene looks. Maybe…

Say a nice thing: I sort of enjoyed the foul-mouthed child.

Say a creepy thing: How young is Bailey Spry? Too young to say she looks delicious?

Biggest movie cliché: Suffice to say there are plenty.

Most relatable current event: Holy blue jesus has the upper northeast gotten a lot of snow.

Final review: One of the first things I did was look up where this movie was filmed, because it is most certainly not Egypt. Turns out it’s Detroit. This makes the depressive state I was in while watching the film quite apt. Zing!

Anyway, this is a weird movie. Story-wise it’s odd, as Emile Edwin Smith is constantly going out of his way to try and make the Jones family’s journey (to someplace…) more harrowing than is necessary. Every attempt fails miserably, however, because visually this is an unpleasant and unrealistic film. It’s edited very poorly, as well. It most resembles 500 MPH Storm, but is colder, somehow even dumber, and has slightly more Arabs.

Ranking:

2 bees

Air Collision

Title: Air Collision

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Too many people

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a solar storm wipes out the air traffic control system, Air Force One and a passenger jet liner are locked on a collision course in the skies above the midwest.”

My synopsis: Weather makes some aviation company become Skynet, and it tries to kill the president. (Maybe.) Carl Winslow attempts to save the day.

Quick review: Ninety minutes has never felt longer.

Pros: Turbulence causes Jordan Ladd’s shirt to slowly unbutton.

Cons: Oh my god… The constant screaming in the passenger jet scenes is enraging.

Biggest movie cliché: A hole in an airplane acting like a gigantic vacuum cleaner.

Say a creepy thing: First daughter?! I’d like to give her her first daughter!

Say a mean thing: I can’t say that I want to punch Liz Adams in the face because she’s a woman, and that would not be cool. I would like to soak her in gasoline and set her on fire, though.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Just how many satellites does this aviation company have, and why are they all crash landing in LA? Why is Joan whispering? And why is everything else in this movie so fucking retarded?

Most relatable current event: These people died in a plane crash; I watched this movie. It’s debatable who had the worst experience.

Final review: Once again, Liz Adams has made a truly abysmal film. For one, she has the inability to write. Her stories are nonsense, there’s too much going on, and the dialogue is completely unbelievable. She also allows too many actors to be given screen time, which is a problem because the only shitty actors The Asylum can afford to hire are really, really shitty. Artificial intelligence taking over is a staple of sci-fi films, but this is so clumsily done, that it never even borders on interesting or conceivable. In fact, I’m probably giving Liz Adams more credit than she deserves, as I’m not even sure that’s what she tried to do. I think the AI takeover scenario is me trying to make sense of the godawful mess I was watching. The computer system could have been trying to save the president. Who the fuck knows? Basically, Air Collision is a terrible, horseshit movie, with absolutely no focus. And a guy opens a door with a spoon. So yeah, fuck it.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Super Cyclone

Title: Super Cyclone

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Ming-Na Wen, Nicholas Turturro, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a super cyclone threatens the entire American eastern seaboard, a lone meteorologist and a petroleum engineer must battle the elements to stop the threat.”

My synopsis: Eastern seaboard? Did The Asylum not even bother to watch its own shitty movie? The whole thing takes place in California.

Quick review: Makes Twister look like a goddamn Best Picture winner.

Pros: I watched this on Netflix. Netflix is good.

Cons: Stop introducing everybody via on-screen text. It is unnecessary and stupid.

Biggest movie cliché: The inability to make a black guy look or sound like a normal human being.

Least favorite quote: “Warm water? Moist air? …It’s the devil’s playground.” Ugh.

Say a nice thing: I like all the nice, sunny weather. Doesn’t help your film’s premise whatsoever, but it makes me want to visit Los Angeles.

Say a mean thing: Parkinson’s patients have more fluidity than these “actors.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Loosest. Tourniquet. Ever. That fat bastard should’ve lost his leg. Also, why in christ’s name were you showing a map of Florida and talking about Southern California?

Most relatable current event: Southern Californians and Mother Nature not getting along.

Final review: Running calculations? Really? Were you? In the back of an SUV with no equipment? You’re an asshole, Percy. The scientific dialogue in this film isn’t so much spoken, as regurgitated like a mother bird feeding her hatchlings. I’m not sure if Liz Adams is a terrible writer, or just doesn’t understand science because she’s a woman. Either way, it’s enraging to listen to, and the actors are equally as enraging to watch.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

40 Days and Nights

Title: 40 Days and Nights

Director: Peter Geiger

Writer: H. Perry Horton

Starring: Alex Carter, Monica Keena

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a colossal tectonic shift causes the sea level to start rising, a microbiologist gathers the DNA of as many species as she can, while the military creates an ‘ark’ in a desperate attempt to preserve life on Earth.”

My synopsis: Floods. DNA. Engines. Boat.

Quick review: The bible’s version of massive flooding makes more sense.

Pros: I searched, but I don’t have anything. It’s too bland and disjointed.

Cons: DNA samples of 160,000 plant and animal species? That’s fucking nothing.

Least favorite quote: “It’s been so long since we’ve just sat and aten together.” Lieutenant John’s fiancée is a moron.

Biggest movie cliché: Risky helicopter rescue, I suppose.

Say a nice thing: Nice nipples, Tessa.

Say a mean thing: Morgantown, Pennsylvania? That city deserves to be swallowed by a sinkhole.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, exile one of the two scientists who understands how to operate the massive ship’s engine. Genius.

Final review: Scattershot. That’s the best word to describe this movie. There’s barely a plot, no intelligible goal… The filmmakers have no idea what it is they’re trying to accomplish, so they keep adding subplots that never amount to anything. And then it ends. No tension. No conflict, really. I don’t know what I just watched.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

100° Below Zero

Title: 100° Below Zero

Director: R.D. Braunstein

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Richard Schenkman

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sara Malakul Lane, Marc Ewins, Judit Fekete

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sara Malakul Lane. (Yes, again.)

Their synopsis: “When a series of volcanic eruptions rips through Europe, the subsequent ash cloud blocks out the sun, plunging the continent into a new ice age.”

My synopsis: People covered with varying amounts of fake snow acting in front of a green screen.

Quick(est) review: Eh.

Notice something: Is Jeff Fahey only in movies where it gets cold?

Pros: Sara Malakul’s low rise jeans. John Rhys-Davies (Sallah from the Indiana Jones franchise) as Colonel Dillard is quite good.

Cons: No one ever actually seems cold.

Biggest movie cliché: The Eiffel Tower being destroyed.

Say a nice thing: For a film called 100° Below Zero, I admire how long the filmmakers managed to keep Sara Malakul in her low-cut t-shirt.

Say a mean thing: There’s no way those guys in the tunnel wouldn’t have murdered Ryan and raped the two girls.

Say a creepy thing: Taryn and Ryan should keep warm by going inside and making brother sister porn.

Least favorite quote: “Well, it is a time for new beginnings. For all of us.” The movie ends on this quote. Ew.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. “Teleconference.” Ever. Those people clearly just won an internet contest to have a line in the film. Also, why is “shortcut” the only English word the cute French girl knows?

Final review: For a movie about an impending ice age and the end of European civilization, there never really seems to be a sense of danger. The typical action set pieces are there (helicopter falling out of the sky, locked doors on a car that’s about to blow up) and the music’s tempo rises, but then…nothing. Nothing but misplaced, trivial banter. “Oh. We’re ok, I guess.” “Next time let’s go to Hawaii!” Zing! The film’s major sin is that it’s boring. Not crushingly so, just boringly so. And for some the reason the green screen scenes are especially bad. It’s bemusing.

Ranking:

2 bees