Dinocroc

Title: Dinocroc

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Dan Acre, Frances Doel, John Huckert

Starring: Jane Longenecker, Matthew Borlenghi, Costas Mandylor, Charles Napier

Year released: 2004

Their synopsis: “A crocodile grows to titanic proportions when injected with accelerated-growth hormones and starts terrorizing a small town.”

My synopsis: Science creates a badass, child-murdering super crocodile. A group of people want to “destroy it” because it’s “killing everyone.” Psh…

Quick review: I almost didn’t watch this several times, until I finally decided to just get it over with. Wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.

Pros: That Dinocroc was really fucking people up. He wasn’t messing around.

Cons: That was some pretty dreadful acting. Also, the dramatic music is insufferable. We get it, it’s an action sequence. Not sure why there are monks chanting in Latin.

Biggest movie cliché: Surprisingly, the foolhardy plan to take out the monster with excess firepower didn’t work.

Say a nice thing: Haha, mere mortals! You cannot kill Dinocroc! He lives to eat again!

Say a mean thing: A rampaging Dinocroc is sort of like the Arab-Israeli conflict. It’s only bad news if you care about the people being killed. I had no such worries, so go monster!

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: The little kid died while his brother was fucking the dog catcher.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why does the crocodile hunter think his shitty rifle is a bazooka?

Most relatable current event: I’m always sort of afraid I’ll accidentally do this to a girl when we’re having sex.

Final review: Not sure how much I can add to my collection of pithy comments above. It was poorly acted and maudlin, but I didn’t hate it. Though I would advise against voluntarily watching it. However, if you are ever forced to watch it at gunpoint, I promise it won’t be so bad.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

King of the Lost World

Title: King of the Lost World

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt, Leigh Scott

Starring: Rhett Giles, Sarah Lieving, Bruce Boxleitner, Jeff Denton

Year released: 2005

Their synopsis: “When a plane crashes on a remote tropical island, four survivors emerge from the wreckage to find a prehistoric world untouched by the sands of time.”

My synopsis: The first thing I’m noticing is that there are way more than four survivors. Half of them go on an adventure, the other half… Then a native tribe… Nuclear bomb.

Quick review: This was so sloppily written and poorly acted.

Pros: Painted jungle lesbians. (Reminder: Leigh Scott loves lesbians.)

Cons: If you want people to have supposedly survived a plane crash, lose the explosion. Explosions tend to incinerate people, not make them slightly unkempt.

Biggest movie cliché: Goddammit! Why is there a fucking dragon in every Asylum movie?!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Impossible to choose. It’s very likely the entire script was a game of Mad Libs that got out of hand.

Say a nice thing: Sure are a lot of pretty ladies in this movie.

Say a mean thing: I get there’s not really a film here, but if everyone would have just died in the plane crash, I think we’d all have been better off.

Say a sarcastic thing: It’s a good thing all the major speaking roles were given to terrible actors instead of Andrew Lauer.

Most relatable current event: I heard something on the radio recently. Apparently, King Kong… Went to Hong Kong… To play ping pong… (Get this!) …With his ding dong!

Final review: There are three credited writers for this film. My guess is they each wrote a version of the script, then blindly combined them to form an unholy, nearly unwatchable reimagining of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World. The only positive is that I wasn’t bored watching it. The women are quite attractive and the story changes on a dime, which sated my short attention span.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Title: 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Director: Gabriel Bologna (Hahaha!)

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Natalie Stone, Sean Lawlor, Kim Little

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “When a submarine mysteriously disappears in the depths of the ocean, a rescue crew comes face to face with Captain Nemo, Jules Verne’s famous villain of the underworld…”

My synopsis: A bunch of nerds attempt to save some loser submarine; pass up the opportunity to live on an underwater BangBoat and resurrect Atlantis.

Quick review: I’m not entirely sure why, but I liked this film. Maybe I’ve been watching too many really shitty movies lately, and it’s just not quite as shitty as those.

Pros: Beer? Submarine dance clubs? Thirsty tattooed chicks? The Nautilus seems like paradise. Not sure why everyone was in such a hurry to leave.

Cons: Wikipedia told me Kerry Washington was in this movie. Wikipedia is a goddamn liar.

Cut a wrestling promo: “I am the Oxygenator! I’m gonna leave you colorless and breathless, brother! I’m gonna beat you eight ways from Sunday! Your atomic number is up! You’re going down, O yeah!”

Say a nice thing: There’s something about Natalie Stone I really like. She and I should get married.

Say a mean thing: Fuck yeah! Ten thousand leagues deeper than that faggy Jules Verne! Fuck you, you pussy!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They were pretty flexible with the idea of atmospheric pressure in this film. Also, missiles appear to be merely a nuisance rather than powerful exploding bombs.

Most relatable current event: This nerdlinger.

Final review: I can’t tell whether the last 30 minutes is poorly written, poorly edited, or both. Either way, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The rest of it was pretty enjoyable though. Submarine captains shouting orders, a crazy scientist who wants to blow up the world and live underwater, Lorenzo Lamas just chillin’ it in a bubble. Fun stuff. Wish I was there.

Ranking:

3 bees

The 9/11 Commission Report

Title: The 9/11 Commission Report

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Leigh Scott

Starring: Rhett Giles, Jeff Denton, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is a Leigh Scott film, so I’m guessing the terrorists will be hot lesbians.

Their synopsis: “This chilling dramatization is based on the findings laid out in the best-selling analytical document the 9/11 Commission Report.”

My synopsis: People talking.

Quick review: I don’t understand why this was a movie that had to be made. I mean, honest to christ, why not just film somebody reading the goddamn report for 90 minutes? It was fucking painful.

Pros: Ironically, the torture scenes were the only scenes that weren’t torturous. It’s the only time anything happened.

Cons: You know the most annoying thing about terrorists? They chew really loudly.

Biggest movie cliché: Any government secrecy cliché will do. Or the misanthropic CIA agent.

Say a nice thing: The scene where the terrorist was having his genitals crushed with pliers came across as very real. Real and discomforting.

Say an awful thing: I’d rather jump out of a burning building than watch this again.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I don’t believe there are 911 people on the planet who watched this movie to the end. There can’t be.

Most relatable current event: Grass growing. Paint drying.

Final review: Unconscionably boring. Seriously. Really, really tedious. It wasn’t the most terribly written, acted, or directed thing I’ve ever seen, but I could not have been less interested. The last time I remember being so unconcerned with a film was the 2007 Lindsay Lohan movie I Know Who Killed Me. Sidenote: I may now be the only person in America who can claim to have seen both that, and this film. Why? Because anyone else surely would have committed suicide, yet I lack the constitution to do so.

Ranking:

1 bee

Transmorphers: Fall of Man

Title: Transmorphers: Fall of Man

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Shane Van Dyke, Alana DiMaria, Bruce Boxleitner

Year released: 2009

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is a prequel to 2007’s Transmorphers.

Their synopsis: “When a super-species of deadly robots begins to wage war against the planet, humankind fights back.”

My synopsis: People mostly just talking about robots. Eventually, they get around to fighting some of them.

Quick review: Robots fighting people. I’m sure you’ve heard this one before…

Pros: I think Madison was a stripper. She was wearing a really short, hippie-chick skirt and high heels half the movie. Never got explained though.

Cons: For some reason, all of the Transmorphers looked like mechanical birds.

Biggest movie cliché: Guess where all of this alien robot stuff started. … Give up? Roswell.

Say a nice thing: Shane Van Dyke, the actor, was alright. He’s like a really, really, really, really, really poor man’s version of Chris Hemsworth.

Say a mean thing: Shane Van Dyke, the writer, is a fucking lazy piece of shit. The last 10 minutes or so of this movie was so sloppily done it made me angry.

Favorite quote: This exchange actually happened. Perhaps the shittiest dialogue ever scribed.

Random guy who happened to know pretty much everything: The Russians captured one [robot]. They tortured it ‘til it revealed its memory codes.

Jake Van Ryberg: How the hell do you torture a machine?

Random guy who happened to know pretty much everything: Fuck if I know. Insult its motherboard. Laugh at the size of its hard drive. I don’t give a rat’s ass what the Russkies do…”

Another quote: “They’ve seen them transmorph.” They’re really sticking to that title. I guess for legal reasons, you have to.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There’s clearly a human driving the Transmorpher car. Tell that moron stunt driver to hold the wheel from the bottom and it’ll be less noticeable.

Most relatable current event: Giant soldier robo-pigs.

Final review: They didn’t know what they were doing when they made this. “Hey, let’s make a prequel! That’ll be fun!” “Great! What’s it about?” “Well, it has to involve people. People fighting alien robots.” That has to be as far as that conversation ever got. This movie just runs around, never really accomplishing anything. It doesn’t make any sense as a prequel either. It’s like they didn’t even bother watching the original Transmorphers. Though I guess I can’t really blame them…

Ranking:

2 bees

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees

Absolute Zero

Title: Absolute Zero

Director: Richard Lee

Writer: Sarah Watson

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Erika Eleniak, Britt Irvin

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “As the temperature in Miami plunges at record-breaking speed, a climatologist discovers that an Ice Age is on its way and there’s no time to escape.”

My synopsis: Earth’s poles shift, creating a pandemic of overacting and embarrassingly bad special effects.

Quick review: What’s the best film specifically made about climate change? It’s certainly not this piece of shit, but what is it? Is it Waterworld? I think it’s Waterworld.

Pros: Space suits as a way to combat the impending freeze is a nifty idea.

Cons: Puppet shows have more aesthetic value than this shoddy nonsense.

Biggest movie cliché: A skeptical, southern senator.

Say a nice thing: I liked the nerdy girl.

Say a mean thing: I wanted everyone else to suffer chemical burns.

Most relatable current event: Winter. Everywhere in the contiguous United States.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Apparently, the only two places that will be affected by climate change are Antarctica and Miami.

Final review: It was like watching a student film. Supremely cheaply made and horribly acted. The dialogue was hokey, the characters had “absolutely zero” depth (Ha!), and the story was contrived. Yet somehow, it went by relatively fast. I honestly don’t know how that happened, because the movie really sucks.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Transmorphers

Title: Transmorphers

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Leigh Scott

Starring: Matthew Wolf, Eliza Swenson, Griff Furst

Year released: 2007

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Of all The Asylum’s cunty titles, this one tends to be people’s favorite. Because it’s not so much a similar, yet less interesting title, more than it is a spelling change. Let’s hope they gave more of a shit making the film than naming it.

Their synopsis: “A band of humans fights back against the alien machines that rule Earth.”

My synopsis: People living hundreds of years in the future shoot really shoddy-looking plastic guns at poorly-rendered 2D versions of robots.

Quick review: Like a less entertaining Terminator Salvation (though this film did come first), with a little Return of the Jedi thrown in. Probably some Matrix in there too. And shit. An olio of shit and better films.

Pros: One of their pet names for the Transmorphers is “Z bot.” Remember Zbots?! I fucking loved Zbots.

Cons: Do you know how hard it is to make a cat fight between six attractive women boring? That’s gotta be some kind of record.

Biggest movie cliché: The shady commanding general has ulterior motives? Gasp!

Say a nice thing: I like the doctor who built sex robots. Seems like a good egg.

Say a mean thing: I think it cost $11 to make this goddamn movie.

Say a sarcastic thing: I very much appreciate being blinded by all the awesome lights they had pointing directly at the camera.

Notice something: Leigh Scott loves lesbians.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Am I suppose to believe that lacrosse pads, spray painted black, are the future of military technological armor?

Most relatable current event: The Los Angeles underground.

Final review: It felt like this movie was made in 1992, not 2007. The special effects were especially poor, but the battle scenes were ok. Not sure all of the setup was needed, and the first half could’ve been edited better. I liked the twist, but it’s still not very well done.

Ranking:

2 bees

H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds

Title: H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: David Michael Latt, Carlos De Los Rios

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Andrew Lauer, Rhett Giles

Year released: 2005

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I already reviewed this film’s sequel, thinking at the time it was simply a sequel to the Spielberg version, not this movie. I’m such an ass!

Their synopsis: “An astronomer struggles to reunite with his family after Earth is invaded by an army of Martians.”

My synopsis: Aliens attack, then a guy runs around like a fool trying to get to DC, meeting all sorts of zany characters on the way.

Quick review: It went from good to okay to jesusy to meh.

Pros: Tits? So soon? Impressive. May have just narrowly edged out The Day the Earth Stopped in “Start to Tits” time. The soundtrack was enjoyable, as well.

Cons: The action scenes are horseshit. Too much obvious foreshadowing. Also, I can never tell when people fall over in Asylum films, if it’s supposed to happen, or everyone’s just lazy and they don’t feel like doing another take.

Favorite cameo: Remember the bad guy from The Mask and the rapist from Pulp Fiction? I sure do!

Say a nice thing: Andrew Lauer, formerly of Caroline in the City…fame?, is a fine supporting actor.

Say a mean thing: C. Thomas Howell runs like a retard.

Favorite quote: “A fucking criminal who rapes an old lady has more heart and compassion than your child murderer. Your god. Your fucking numb, blind, evil god!” A straight-shootin’ lady puts the pastor in his stupid, jesusy place.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Am I the only one who saw the lights go on, even though the electricity was out?

Most relatable current event: C. Thomas Howell isn’t the only one who doesn’t know where DC is.

Final review: I don’t go for the god nonsense, but I suppose the pastor was a mostly believable character, though his whole dilemma was rather telegraphed. Every positive was offset by a negative. Some good acting, but a lot of poorly thought-out roles. When the story was interesting, the action was garbage. When the plot stalled…well, no positive here. They’d just insert some ridiculous edit to pick up the pace again. With no place else to go, they finally just decide to end it. Mercifully.

Ranking:

2 bees

Mega Piranha

Title: Mega Piranha

Director: Eric Forsberg

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida.”

My synopsis: Blood-thirsty Amazonian piranha grow to preposterous sizes, and their destructive wake is headed straight for the United States. Why? Cause nobody would give a shit if they just killed a bunch of commie Venezuelans.

Quick review: Why are they trying so hard to make this a B movie? The name of the film is “Mega Piranha” for fuck sake! When this is your starting concept, you don’t have to try anymore. The recipe for a good B movie is to start with a ridiculous concept, then make it as best you can. Don’t fail on purpose.

Pros: Barry Williams. The jungle noises they use come directly from the old PC game The Amazon Trail. Tits.

Cons: The godawful, wannabe-action-movie editing. The acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Science experiment gone awry.

Say a nice thing: The movie functions more as a guide to learning Spanish than as a movie. Every time the evil colonel would say something in English, his crony yell-repeated it in Spanish.

Say a mean thing: Those filthy South Americans deserve to be fish food.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why isn’t there any blood?

Most relatable current event: This is almost too perfect.

Final review: You can tell they tried to make it a little campy and silly, but they tried too hard, and on the wrong parts. The script wasn’t strong enough to support some of the goofy sight gags or the madcap editing, and, as a result, both suffered. Some of the destruction scenes are amusing, and Greg Brady is good, but that’s really all you can say for it. Sadly, Mega Piranha ends up just being a “what could’ve been.”

Ranking:

2.5 bees