Megafault

Title: Megafault

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Brittany Murphy, Eriq La Salle

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A seismologist and a miner must stop a massive earthquake that threatens to tear the world in half.”

My synopsis: “Scientists” try to stop an earthquake by creating another earthquake. Unsurprisingly, this plan backfires.

Quick review: Premise is a bit……shaky. And it’s dull.

Pros: Brittany Murphy was so cute. Why can’t only ugly people die early?

Cons: Why in christ’s name would you leave your kid alone with a trucker? Dan Lane is a terrible father, with a boring name.

Biggest movie cliché: Just outracing an earthquake. Stopping to rubberneck amidst running for your life.

Say a mean thing: Had I recently watched myself in this horseshit, I would have taken a bunch of pills too.

Say a racist thing: Brittany Murphy is a coal-burning race traitor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not one human being of importance would be slightly upset if Lexington, Kentucky sank into the earth.

Most relatable current event: #BlackLivesMatter, just not as much as #WhiteLives do, apparently.

Final review: The majority of Megafault takes place in the American Midwest, which is really a perfect representation of this film. Large stretches of nothingness, with mildly interesting stops along the way. And it’s about family. Specifically, white families. It is a foregone conclusion that Brittany Murphy’s underdeveloped character (one of many) and her family will be happily reunited at the end of the movie, so there are no stakes during the tedious, repetitive action sequences. Overall, it’s the kind of Asylum film you’ve seen a hundred times before. Unless, unlike me, you have anything better to do with your time.

Ranking:

2 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Title: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes

Starring: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Rohm

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum trilogy? If anyone can handle the pressure, it’s Mega Shark.

Their synopsis: “When a new Mega Shark threatens mankind, the government unleashes the top-secret Mecha Shark to defeat the monster in a pitched battle.”

My synopsis: Mega Shark is angry and wants to fuck. The navy, various robot sharks, and an interracial couple try to kill him before everyone in Australia dies.

Quick review: An improvement over the second, but doesn’t best the original.

Pros: The global scope. Mega Shark making Rosie feel bad about herself by indirectly making her responsible for all those deaths. Deborah Gibson’s welcome return.

Cons: “I will speak LOUD-LY and O-VER e-NUN-CI-ATE E-VER-Y-THING I SAY in-STEAD of AC-TING!”

Biggest movie cliché: A child in peril at the worst possible time. Oh, and the kid resembles the main characters’ child who died of cancer, so they just have to save her!

Say a nice thing: I was so happy when Mega Shark knocked the head off the Sphinx. Hilarious and awesome. Also, I’m pretty sure the motorcycle jump was supposed to be humorous.

Say a mean thing: Is there something wrong with Christopher Judge’s head? It’s creepy. It looks like a giant boulder.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Mecha Shark being able to cap an oil spill (Why was that scene even in the movie?) and leap as high as Mega Shark.

Most relatable current event: Donald Sterling would be annoyed with the level of public affection between the white lady and black guy.

Final review: Despite everyone going through bouts of bad acting, a few narrative lapses, and Elisabeth Rohm resembling an ex, I very much enjoyed the third installment of the Mega Shark series. The goofy, impossible sight gags were back, as was Debbie Gibson playing Dr. Emma MacNeil. It was expansive, yet cohesive, and quite entertaining.

Ranking:

3 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Title: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Director: Ace Hannah aka Jack Perez

Writer: Ace Hannah aka Jack Perez

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Vic Chao, Sean Lawlor

Year released: 2009

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This may be my favorite B movie ever. It pains me having to objectionably critique it.

Their synopsis: “..In the melting Arctic, two prehistoric sea creatures have been unleashed from their tombs of ice…they terrorize the ocean with an appetite for destruction that engulfs anything in their path…”

My synopsis: Badass monsters wreckin’ shit. Debbie Gibson still lookin’ good.

Quick review: Entertaining and purposely stupid. You can’t ask for much more in a B movie.

Pros: This. This. This. And later, this. The action scenes in this film will live on forever.

Cons: The missile launch sequence about halfway in? I’ve seen it in other movies. That’s lazy.

Biggest movie cliché: Obstinate naval commanders.

Favorite quote: “Pheromones.”

Say a nice thing: Lorenzo Lamas plays a casually racist asshole. It’s a genuinely funny and awesome character.

Say a racist thing: Deborah Gibson’s character has sex with Vic Chao’s character. It’s gross. Miscegenation is an abomination and a sin.

Best cameo: The guy I thought was Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The size of both the shark and octopus changes based on what the film wants them to destroy.

Most relatable current event: The disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 730. Perhaps caused by Mega Shark or Giant Octopus? We can only speculate…

Final review: One of the reasons I like this movie, is that it has some level of self-awareness. It understands that what’s going is silly. The action scenes clearly reflect this, but the script does as well, albeit more subtly. It does right what Mega Piranha does wrong. For instance, the act of doing science in this film is staring intently at different colors of liquid, occasionally mixing and/or shaking them, then reacting. It looks ridiculous at first, but it’s calculated foolishness, meant for comic effect. Some would say I’m giving the movie more credit than it deserves, but I’ve seen enough of these to know the difference.

Even under scrutiny, this is a fun movie, that’s also pretty well done. Still my favorite.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

Mega Piranha

Title: Mega Piranha

Director: Eric Forsberg

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida.”

My synopsis: Blood-thirsty Amazonian piranha grow to preposterous sizes, and their destructive wake is headed straight for the United States. Why? Cause nobody would give a shit if they just killed a bunch of commie Venezuelans.

Quick review: Why are they trying so hard to make this a B movie? The name of the film is “Mega Piranha” for fuck sake! When this is your starting concept, you don’t have to try anymore. The recipe for a good B movie is to start with a ridiculous concept, then make it as best you can. Don’t fail on purpose.

Pros: Barry Williams. The jungle noises they use come directly from the old PC game The Amazon Trail. Tits.

Cons: The godawful, wannabe-action-movie editing. The acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Science experiment gone awry.

Say a nice thing: The movie functions more as a guide to learning Spanish than as a movie. Every time the evil colonel would say something in English, his crony yell-repeated it in Spanish.

Say a mean thing: Those filthy South Americans deserve to be fish food.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why isn’t there any blood?

Most relatable current event: This is almost too perfect.

Final review: You can tell they tried to make it a little campy and silly, but they tried too hard, and on the wrong parts. The script wasn’t strong enough to support some of the goofy sight gags or the madcap editing, and, as a result, both suffered. Some of the destruction scenes are amusing, and Greg Brady is good, but that’s really all you can say for it. Sadly, Mega Piranha ends up just being a “what could’ve been.”

Ranking:

2.5 bees