Little Dead Rotting Hood

Title: Little Dead Rotting Hood

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Gabriel Campisi

Starring: Eric Balfour, Bianca A. Santos, Lil’ Romeo (Seriously.)

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum release of 2016.

Their synopsis: “Something sinister is lurking in the woods, and the residents of the small town nearby are falling victim to its bloodlust…”

My synopsis: Man vs nature vs mediocre filmmaking.

Quick review: If anyone else had played Sheriff Adam, I probably would have cut my ears off and gouged my eyes out.

Pros: Eric Balfour. His presence made most of the horseshit exposition seem plausible, and he delivered his equally terrible lines with aplomb. This would’ve been a much worse film without him.

Cons: How does Lil’ Romeo have that many acting credits? He’s awful. (I do like that denim shirt he was wearing in the beginning though.)

Biggest movie cliché: Monsters love interrupting couples mid-coitus.

Favorite quote: “You are a bitch.” Adam correctly defining his ex-wife.

Say a nice thing: Benson is an amusing secondary character.

Say a mean thing: There is absolutely no way Patrick Muldoon wasn’t coked out of his mind during every scene.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You clearly didn’t hit play on that iPod, Jenny.

Another favorite quote: “She asked about you…She wanted to know if you were retarded.” Rita with a sick burn.

Final review: It should come as no surprise that hackneyed writer Gabriel Campisi is responsible for Jailbait, having penned 17 & Life: Jail Bait, a comic book which can be purchased for $4. I imagine shooting this movie was mentally exhausting for Eric Balfour, given the far inferior talent that surrounded him on-screen and off. He quite literally carries the film, and is the only human/wolf/werewolf in which you will have a vested interest. I hope he got paid well. Finally, as Lil’ Romeo inexplicably crawled out from whichever abyss he lay dormant to appear in Little Dead Rotting Hood, it feels appropriate to mention that children making godawful rap music used to be a popular thing. He really has led an embarrassing life.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Bound

Title: Bound

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Delondra Williams

Starring: Charisma Carpenter, Bryce Draper, Daniel Baldwin

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Jared Cohn. Of course it is.

Their synopsis: “The daughter of a wealthy real estate broker falls in love with a younger man, who introduces her to BDSM. Using her newly awakened sexual prowess, she finally takes charge of her own life.”

My synopsis: Cordelia Chase needs some good dick. Meets a loser.

Quick review: Ryan is Jared Cohn’s Tyler Durden, and that is really, really sad.

Pros: Charisma Carpenter would make a pretty good domme.

Cons: I don’t think Jared Cohn knows a goddamn thing about BDSM.

Biggest movie cliché: Women discovering their inner goddess.

Favorite quote: Dara, Michelle’s volleyball-playing (Yay!), high school daughter, when told she’s not old enough to imbibe alcohol, “Fine. I’ll just get some old perv to get it for me like normal.” I believe she’s referring to me.

Say a mean thing: E. L. James is a disgusting fat pig who cannot write.

Say a nice thing: Jim Norton is a sweet, funny boy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Ryan is not some brooding, yet charming mystery. He’s a rapey douchebag.

Worst cameo: Terrell Owens, for no earthly reason, makes an appearance…as himself.

Most relatable current event: 50 Shades of Grey opens on Valentine’s weekend.

Final review: It’s just embarrassing that I’m supposed to buy the protagonist in this as some irresistible godsend to women. He’s a boorish frat guy, not a sexy enigma. The entire character is laughable. This makes buying the plot line almost impossible. Nobody would risk anything for this dude, yet some savvy, successful businesswoman is willing to throw away her family and career for him? Cohn should have let Delondra Williams do most of the writing. A woman’s perspective really could have helped this movie. Overall, it’s shit. But at least it’s well-acted, well-shot, nicely structured shit.

Ranking:

2 bees

Hold Your Breath

Title: Hold Your Breath

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Geoff Meed, Kenny Zinn

Starring: Katrina Bowden, Randy Wayne, Erin Marie Hogan

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum plus Katrina Bowden. Yes please.

Their synopsis: “A group of friends on a roadtrip explore a cemetery where the ghost of a notorious serial killer jumps from body to body, killing his victims one by one.”

My synopsis: Some college kids go camping, kill each other, then there’s a ghost fight. You know how it is…

Quick review: This movie defies the laws of stupidity.

Pros: Erin Marie Hogan and her shorts give Katrina Bowden a run for her money.

Cons: Maybe the worst setup for a film in history, and yet somehow, the rest of the story is even worse. It’s really quite fucking astonishing.

Biggest movie cliché: Instantaneous nightfall.

MFK: Marry Jerry. Fuck Natasha. Kill Samantha.

Say a nice thing: Not only is Randy Wayne in the Two First Names Club, but he sure is a handsome son of a gun.

Say a creepy thing: If Katrina Bowden murdered my family, was executed by electrocution, and had been dead for a year, I’d still eat the ass of her corpse.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I find it hard to believe that if a serial killer is about to be put to death, it’s policy for the warden to remind the victim and her family of the convict’s every rape and bludgeoning.

Most relatable current event: In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo killings, some lady running for president in France wants to bring back capital punishment. The only thing more laughable than a lady president is the Muslim religion.

Final review: I would like to blame the godawful Geoff Meed for the utter lunacy and incoherence of this story, but that credit is actually attributed to some guy named Kenny Zinn. So fuck Kenny Zinn. Nothing makes sense, no rules were followed, and the plot turns are arbitrary. As a result, there’s zero tension. Only aggravation. I wrote a story when I was six or seven, about a ghost that befriends dinosaurs or some shit. It’s a goddamn masterpiece compared to this script. Think about this: the film would have been better off letting Geoff Meed pen the whole thing. I mean, can you even imagine such a scenario? Never in my life did I think I would write that sentence. As of right now, this is Kenny Zinn’s only credit, and it should certainly be his last.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Bikini Spring Break

Title: Bikini Spring Break

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: five girls, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of coeds from a small conservative college break out of their shells when their marching band bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break.”

My synopsis: Wacky spring break antics.

Quick review: An example of when not giving a fuck can be a fun thing for a movie.

Pros: Boobs. I swear to god, five seconds into the movie. A “Start to Tits” time that is virtually unsurpassable. Jared Cohn is a master at this. (Editing naked women into a film early, in the desperate attempt to get people like me to keep watching. Not actual filmmaking. He’s certainly not a master at that.)

Cons: All of the spring break parties look boring as shit.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky spring break antics.

Favorite quotes: “Let’s go, retards.” and “Queef you later!” They don’t really need context.

Say a nice thing: Gotta admire a coach who’s willing to walk into the locker room unannounced.

Say a mean thing: Franny looks like Selena Gomez’s jealous, coke-addicted, older (much older) sister.

MFK: Marry Zoe. Fuck Michelle. Kill…Whitney, maybe? None of them are particularly murderable.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What marching band do you know has zero fat ugly dykes?

Final review: Joke-wise, the movie didn’t bat very well. When you take that many swings, you’re bound to miss. A lot. I did laugh a couple of times though, which is a couple more times than I would have expected. The lesson The Asylum should learn from this movie is, when you don’t give a shit about making a quality film, make it a silly comedy. That way, all of the many, many mistakes and terrible editing won’t distract the viewer. “I can’t be mad, it’s obvious they don’t care!” Oh, and show a lot of attractive women, wearing little to no clothing. Always helps.

Ranking:

3 bees

12/12/12

Title: 12/12/12

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn

Starring: Sara Malakul Lane, Jesus Guevara, Steve Hanks

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sequel to 11/11/11, the previous post. Normally, I go away from a series, then revisit it later, because that’s the illogical way I like to do things. This film, however, features Sara Malakul Lane, so I want to watch tit it.

Their synopsis: “When baby Sebastian is born on 12/12/12 everyone around him starts to die. Soon, his mother realizes that her son in the spawn of Hell.”

My synopsis: It’s like The Happening, except a devil baby is global warming. (And if you think that sounds stupid, try watching the movie.)

Quick review: I’m including a few pictures. Without them, you would think I was lying. Dumber. Than. Fuck.

Pros: At 1:14, a new record in “Start to Tits” time for The Asylum.

Cons: A black woman picked up a white baby and instantly became Jamaican. I’m not offended by the racism; I’m offended by the stupidity.

Biggest movie cliché: Psh, obviously when the newborn baby ate his mother’s pussy. Typical Hollywood…

Describe the opening birth scene: Other than the acting, it seemed very realistic. (And gross.) That was until the tiny satan baby murdered the doctor with its umbilical cord, and strangled the nurse to death with its teeny bare hands. It was embarrassingly, laughably awful.

Say a nice thing: Props on losing the baby weight so quickly. Six days? Impressive.

Say a mean thing: How are you letting a baby kill you? It’s a fucking baby! Just step on its soft little head!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So I guess 12 is the devil’s number now? Why does the devil need so many numbers and/or children to be born into?

Biggest disappointment: It took me until now to realize Sara Malakul’s tits are fake. Good fakes, but still…

Final review: I have no earthly idea what Jared Cohn thought he was doing with this film. It’s inane. I’m talking mind-bogglingly retarded. And serious! If he’d made this movie a comedy, it’d be the greatest thing The Asylum ever did! Unfortunately, only about 15 minutes are watchable. The rest of it is just a mindless, meandering mess.

Ranking:

1 bee

Jailbait

Title: Jailbait (Also known as: 17 & Life)

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn

Starring: Sara Malakul Lane

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Great. Title.

Their synopsis: “After killing her stepfather in self-defense, Anna Nix is sent to a juvenile detention center. As she struggles to survive in a world of girl gangs and predatory guards, Anna must fight her dark side and stay above the fray.”

My synopsis: An astonishingly poor attempt to fit the entire first season of Orange is the New Black into 90 minutes.

Quick review: Hot. Completely unbelievable and horribly written, but hot.

Pros: It’s basically a softcore porn movie.

Cons: The writing is so goddamn bad.

Biggest movie cliché: Every prison cliché.

Big suspension of disbelief: Not racist enough for a prison film.

Say a nice thing: Sara Malakul Lane did a better acting job in this than in Sharktopus. Oh, and her tits are truly incredible.

Say a creepy thing: Boy howdy did my helmet get a thorough pinching watching this movie!

Bigger suspension of disbelief: The setting is supposed to be a juvenile detention center, but every bitch in there is at least 30.

Most relatable current event: Season 2 of Orange is the New Black. Hopefully, it will not inspire Jared Cohn to make a sequel.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The premise of the film is asinine. A drunk, loserly nobody beats and then attempts to rape his honor roll, cello-expert stepdaughter. She defends herself, and he dies in a freak accident. No amount of shitty police work could fuck that case up. AND the girl is sentenced by a female judge.

Final review: I’m torn. My erection says it’s the greatest Asylum film ever, but my brain picked apart the awful screenplay in every scene. The characters stink, the dialogue is cringeworthy, there’s no drama, Jared Cohn put in absolutely zero time or effort, and it’s generally just horseshit in every cinematic sense. The rating for this movie is based 100% on its nudity and sexual content (as opposed to my very strict, normal criteria of 94%) because without it, nobody’s watching this garbage.

Ranking:

2 bees

Atlantic Rim

Title: Atlantic Rim

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: David Chokachi, Jackie Moore, Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I really enjoyed Pacific Rim, which was basically a $200 million B movie. Perhaps foolishly, my expectations are high.

Their synopsis: “When giant monsters crawl out of the Atlantic Ocean and attack the Eastern Seaboard, the U.S. government is forced to trust A.I. robots to defend the country.”

My synopsis: I don’t think it’s “A.I.” if humans are piloting the robots. Which they did, fighting sea monsters who are born under oil rigs. Then one of them did the Tony Stark from The Avengers and saved the world.

Quick review: The special effects were quite good, my only issue was they didn’t go far enough. The acting should have been CGI’d as well.

Pros: David Chokachi’s character liked to get drunk and annoy his girlfriend.

Cons: The street toughs at the beginning of the movie were laughable with their chains and talk of “Cali kush.” The monsters look suspiciously like dragons.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangle. Will she choose the sensitive one or the bad boy?

Say a nice thing: It was pretty badass when the submarine came flying out of the water and crashed into the aircraft carrier, exploding and sinking it.

Say a mean thing: Everybody salutes like a fucking pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What was with Treach saving the little white girl while simultaneously sounding like a pedophile? Nothing about that scene made any sense.

Most relatable current event: The new Godzilla movie!! Fuck yeah!!!

Final review: Everything about the final battle in New York City was embarrassing, aside from the special effects. Usually in this kind of movie, it’s the opposite. You save your best for last. Overall though, the movie wasn’t terrible. Poorly portrayed one-dimensional characters reciting lame dialogue, but it was visually well-done and mostly well-edited. Had a good action-movie pace. I’m surprised I was not (completely) let down.

Ranking:

2.5 bees