#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees