Absolute Zero

Title: Absolute Zero

Director: Richard Lee

Writer: Sarah Watson

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Erika Eleniak, Britt Irvin

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “As the temperature in Miami plunges at record-breaking speed, a climatologist discovers that an Ice Age is on its way and there’s no time to escape.”

My synopsis: Earth’s poles shift, creating a pandemic of overacting and embarrassingly bad special effects.

Quick review: What’s the best film specifically made about climate change? It’s certainly not this piece of shit, but what is it? Is it Waterworld? I think it’s Waterworld.

Pros: Space suits as a way to combat the impending freeze is a nifty idea.

Cons: Puppet shows have more aesthetic value than this shoddy nonsense.

Biggest movie cliché: A skeptical, southern senator.

Say a nice thing: I liked the nerdy girl.

Say a mean thing: I wanted everyone else to suffer chemical burns.

Most relatable current event: Winter. Everywhere in the contiguous United States.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Apparently, the only two places that will be affected by climate change are Antarctica and Miami.

Final review: It was like watching a student film. Supremely cheaply made and horribly acted. The dialogue was hokey, the characters had “absolutely zero” depth (Ha!), and the story was contrived. Yet somehow, it went by relatively fast. I honestly don’t know how that happened, because the movie really sucks.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Transmorphers

Title: Transmorphers

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Leigh Scott

Starring: Matthew Wolf, Eliza Swenson, Griff Furst

Year released: 2007

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Of all The Asylum’s cunty titles, this one tends to be people’s favorite. Because it’s not so much a similar, yet less interesting title, more than it is a spelling change. Let’s hope they gave more of a shit making the film than naming it.

Their synopsis: “A band of humans fights back against the alien machines that rule Earth.”

My synopsis: People living hundreds of years in the future shoot really shoddy-looking plastic guns at poorly-rendered 2D versions of robots.

Quick review: Like a less entertaining Terminator Salvation (though this film did come first), with a little Return of the Jedi thrown in. Probably some Matrix in there too. And shit. An olio of shit and better films.

Pros: One of their pet names for the Transmorphers is “Z bot.” Remember Zbots?! I fucking loved Zbots.

Cons: Do you know how hard it is to make a cat fight between six attractive women boring? That’s gotta be some kind of record.

Biggest movie cliché: The shady commanding general has ulterior motives? Gasp!

Say a nice thing: I like the doctor who built sex robots. Seems like a good egg.

Say a mean thing: I think it cost $11 to make this goddamn movie.

Say a sarcastic thing: I very much appreciate being blinded by all the awesome lights they had pointing directly at the camera.

Notice something: Leigh Scott loves lesbians.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Am I suppose to believe that lacrosse pads, spray painted black, are the future of military technological armor?

Most relatable current event: The Los Angeles underground.

Final review: It felt like this movie was made in 1992, not 2007. The special effects were especially poor, but the battle scenes were ok. Not sure all of the setup was needed, and the first half could’ve been edited better. I liked the twist, but it’s still not very well done.

Ranking:

2 bees

Mega Piranha

Title: Mega Piranha

Director: Eric Forsberg

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida.”

My synopsis: Blood-thirsty Amazonian piranha grow to preposterous sizes, and their destructive wake is headed straight for the United States. Why? Cause nobody would give a shit if they just killed a bunch of commie Venezuelans.

Quick review: Why are they trying so hard to make this a B movie? The name of the film is “Mega Piranha” for fuck sake! When this is your starting concept, you don’t have to try anymore. The recipe for a good B movie is to start with a ridiculous concept, then make it as best you can. Don’t fail on purpose.

Pros: Barry Williams. The jungle noises they use come directly from the old PC game The Amazon Trail. Tits.

Cons: The godawful, wannabe-action-movie editing. The acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Science experiment gone awry.

Say a nice thing: The movie functions more as a guide to learning Spanish than as a movie. Every time the evil colonel would say something in English, his crony yell-repeated it in Spanish.

Say a mean thing: Those filthy South Americans deserve to be fish food.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why isn’t there any blood?

Most relatable current event: This is almost too perfect.

Final review: You can tell they tried to make it a little campy and silly, but they tried too hard, and on the wrong parts. The script wasn’t strong enough to support some of the goofy sight gags or the madcap editing, and, as a result, both suffered. Some of the destruction scenes are amusing, and Greg Brady is good, but that’s really all you can say for it. Sadly, Mega Piranha ends up just being a “what could’ve been.”

Ranking:

2.5 bees

The Day the Earth Stopped

Title: The Day the Earth Stopped

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke, Darren Dalton

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Sinead McCafferty, Darren Dalton

Year released: 2008

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum done good on its remake of at least one 50’s sci-fi masterpiece, let’s see how they do with this one.

Their synopsis: “Hundreds of intergalactic robots appear in the world’s major cities with an ultimatum: prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

My synopsis: An average Joe must lead a super hot alien around Los Angeles, trying to show her the value of human life, while simultaneously pretending he doesn’t want to fuck her stupid.

Quick review: Sporadically true to The Day the Earth Stood Still theme-wise and plot-wise, albeit with less talk of Communists.

Pros: Less than three minutes in, and Sinead McCafferty (‘Sky’ the alien) is already naked. Later, she runs in white pajamas. Oh, and the story was pretty good, too.

Cons: The aliens’ home planet is for shit. Waterfalls, flowers, and clouds? Who cares? Where’s the fuckin’ skee-ball? Also, I missed Gort. What a great/shitty robot Gort was.

Biggest movie cliché: Childbirth being much less difficult than in reality.

Say a nice thing: The baby was cute, but it was at least six months old. Nobody trusts The Asylum with an actual newborn?

Say a mean thing: I saw the wireless mic when I was looking at your ass, you bimbo.

Say a creepy thing: If Sky would’ve read my mind, she would not have hesitated in blowing up the Earth.

Best cameo: Judd Nelson (of all people).

Favorite quote: “Prove that human life has value? How the hell we supposed to do that? Take her to see the goddamn Lion King?” It’s a funny quote, but wouldn’t that only prove lions, not humans, have value?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: She’s the hottest alien since Leeloo “Multipass” Dallas, yet the closest this film gets to acknowledging C. Thomas Howell wants to fuck her is when she reads his mind and says “Who’s Angelina Jolie?” Every four seconds Sky should’ve said, “I get it! You want to eat my ass! Could you please just show me humans are worth a damn so I don’t have to blow up your planet?!”

Most relatable current event: Katy Perry talking about aliens, I suppose.

Final review: I could’ve done without the final montage, explaining the duality of human nature via the events of the film. I was paying attention. There’s no need to remind me of something that happened five minutes ago. It was well-written (minus the speech at the end) and mostly well-acted. Nothing particularly special about the movie, but it was enjoyable. Score another one for C. Thomas Howell.

Ranking:

3 bees

The Poseidon Adventure

Title: The Poseidon Adventure

Director: John Putch

Writer: Bryce Zabel

Starring: Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, Steve Guttenberg, C. Thomas Howell

Year released: 2005

Their synopsis: “A terrorist with an explosive message is aboard the luxury liner Poseidon.”

My synopsis: Someone learned what The Poseidon Adventure was, Googled the word “terrorist”, then wrote a movie. Some assholes helped him make that movie.

Quick review: Remember the 1972 classic it’s based on? With Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, and Shelley Winters, among others? It was really good, got nominated for all those Oscars, won one (two technically), and made a “boatload” (Ha!) of money? They did all that in under two hours… This movie’s a shade under three, and features none of that other shit.

Pros: C. Thomas Howell was trying to fuck a teenager. I like his style. Meanwhile, Steve Guttenberg was trying to get fucked by anybody besides his wife. Again, I’m a fan.

Cons: Worst on-screen lip sync ever. Also, the editor should’ve been fired and should never work again; is it a law that all Hallmark movies have to be three hours long?

Biggest movie cliché: Too many people lived who should’ve died.

Various ethnicities of the terrorists: Chechen, Jamaican, Jordanian, South African (black), South African (white), regular white, Afghan, Mexican, and possibly others. I get it, it’s a cruise, but this isn’t how terrorism works.

Say a nice thing: A character in the movie correctly states that Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom “sucked.”

Say a mean thing: Honestly, the ship sinking scene was one of the worst things I’ve ever had the displeasure to watch.

Say a meaner thing: I laughed when the aerialist fell to her death. I couldn’t help it. It was more silly than dramatic.

Most relatable current event: I’d rather be naked, covered in cottage cheese, and trapped on rat boat than sit through another three-hours of this.

Final review: It’s just unnecessary. That’s the word that keeps popping into my head. “Unnecessary.” Poorly acted, written, directed, produced, and wholly unnecessary.

Ranking:

.5 bee

The Apocalypse

Title: The Apocalypse

Director: Justin Jones

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt

Starring: Rhett Giles, Jill Stapley

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “A mother and father search for their only child as a giant asteroid headed for Earth triggers a series of apocalyptic events.”

My synopsis: Too many people blathering on about an imaginary sky monster, not enough shit blowing up.

Quick review (of the first 2.5 minutes): A minute and a half in, a guy gets hit in the chest with a meteor. Thirty seconds later, another guy gets decapitated. So far it’s awesome. Fifteen seconds later, the worst fake fall in cinema history leads to a guy being vaporized on a meteor. It’s just a rock. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Totally ruined the opening.

Pros: The 8-year-old girl was the best actor in the film. If she runs away from Faith Films and The Asylum as fast as she can, she’ll do alright.

Cons: Really shitty lighting in this movie.

Biggest movie cliché: Pretending heaven is real.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Everyone in this movie believes in god, but that’s ridiculous because we all know god doesn’t exist. It being a goddy film also explains why they got so much science wrong.

And another thing, I hate when people are supposed to be brushing their teeth in films/commercials/whatever, but aren’t doing anything except scraping a dry brush atop their molars. It’s almost as silly as believing in god.

Say a nice thing: At one point, a road that’s supposed to be a highway has a sign that says “Speed Limit 15” and that was really funny. I also laughed every time the main character accidentally slipped into his Australian accent.

Say a what-most-would-consider-mean thing: Even if there was a god, I wouldn’t worship it. Cause seriously, fuck god.

Favorite cameo: Shaley Scott made an appearance! She wasn’t nearly as entertaining.

Least favorite cameo: Erica Roby. Booooo.

Most relatable current event: This photo.

Final review: As much god nonsense as there was in this, which annoys me to no end, I’d rather watch this with a congregation of nosy born-agains than watch Monster one more time.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Monster

Title: Monster

Director: Erik Estenberg

Writer: Erik Estenberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: Sarah Lieving, Erin Evans

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “Footage of a catastrophic event in Japan reveals that it wasn’t actually an earthquake…it was something else.”

My synopsis: They tried to do Cloverfield in Japan, and oh my god did they fail. Failed on the highest level.

Quick review: First of all, worst title ever. Secondly, I love monster movies. One of my absolute favorite genres, especially in the B-movie category. But I hated the holy shit outta this garbage.

Pros: Clearly they’re not pros. They’re amateurs. Rank amateurs.

Cons: It seems that to try and establish a sense of realism, Latt, Lynch, and Sullivan decided to either not use a script, or use a very skeletal script. That’s a risky choice, particularly when none of them has any discernible filmmaking talent. Painful.

Biggest movie cliché: America being blamed for shit, I guess. And Asians being depicted as though they’re from another planet.

Say a nice thing: I liked that they got hurt and later died. Too bad it didn’t actually happen.

Say a mean thing: I wish that instead of Japan, Sarah and Erin went to Aruba to make a movie and met Joran van der Sloot.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’d sooner believe Kraken lives in my asshole than half of the shit that goes on in this utter miscue of a film. There was zero quality control.

Most relatable current event: Whatever earthquake happened most recently.

Final review: I was just so disappointed with this mess of a film. I think they were trying, but that almost makes it worse. Overacting, underacting, bad acting. Mindless editing. Truly abysmal.

Ranking:

0 bees

Fuck this movie.

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Title: War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Eric Forsberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Christopher Reid, Fred Griffith

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “When the aliens return to complete their plan of human domination, mankind unites in one last stand.”

My synopsis: Three years after a pretty enjoyable movie was made, some assholes decided to piss all over it.

Quick review: This movie would’ve benefitted from being a silent film, provided the actors knew what facial expressions were.

Pros: Space talk and synthetic moonshine.

Cons: Not sure they could’ve stolen more from Independence Day if they tried.

Biggest movie cliché: The wisecracking black sidekick, played ever so racistly bug-eyed by Christopher Reid. (“Kid” from from Kid ‘n Play. No, I’m not lying.)

Say a nice thing: I enjoyed the wormhole sequence.

Say a mean thing: I don’t know if Kim Little was doing some sort of accent, or if that was her actual voice, but either way I would like to scratch out her larynx with my fingernails.

How it relates to the original film: 1) A few plot points, especially regarding how the aliens were not prepared for human diseases. 2) In both movies you’re rooting for the children to die. 3) Questionable endings.

How it doesn’t relate to the original film: 1) The original film has worth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The movie seems to think Mars is in another galaxy, as opposed to our own solar system, relatively near Earth.

Most relatable current event: Curiosity, NASA’s Mars rover. (Yes, I know you forgot about it.)

Final review: Granted, it was a completely unnecessary movie to make, but if not for the maddeningly appalling performances given by Kim Little and Christopher Reid, I don’t think I would’ve hated it as much as I did. Had they camped it up a bit, it would’ve been a decent bad film.

Ranking:

2 bees

Research Note: Apparently, this is not a sequel to the Spielberg/Cruise version, but to another Asylum film called H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, which also probably sucks. (I should watch it sometime.)